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Confession Anonymous 11/03/2019 (Sun) 06:30:12 No. 224
Finally broke down at 4am and told my father about the depression, the suicidal thoughts, and all the other shit that I've kept to myself for the past year. He had no idea about any of it, most people didn't. Even those who knew about parts of it never knew the fill picture.
It felt really good, lads.
The /late/ hours are the best for sorrow and depression, but also for confession and empathy.

Post what is on your mind. Speak freely.
>>1873 >I just want at least someone to understand me and say "yeah, I don't blame you for being so upset." >I just wanted someone to listen to me. I don't expect anyone to solve my problems or give me some life-enlightening advice that changes everything >I just want someone to tell me that it's okay to feel this despair and hopelessness. >I just want someone to tell me that they understand how upset and hopeless I am. Aight. I get it. I have a pretty thorough understanding of all these issues you raise. I remember how exasperating it was learning about this stuff. I'm not going to demonstrate by piling on with the aspects you didn't articulate, because that's not productive; to idly recount how terrible everything is only breeds despair. It sucks feeling alone, and everyone feels that way sometimes, but understand that you're hardly the only one who knows what's up, even if there's hardly any place or desire, for that matter to talk about it. Remember, also, that not everyone who encounters this information becomes neurotic. It is not part and parcel. I've lately questioned the wisdom of "bringing people out of the matrix" at all, since a lot of people seem to turn unhinged. In the movie metaphor they didn't wake people over a certain age because the older you are and the more attached you are to the system, the harder it is for the newly redpilled to deal with the absurd reality they're suddenly confronted with. So you have people who adapt, maybe because they're uninvested to begin with, but then there are guys like this: https://www.bitchute.com/video/Undfmm0Vr8rB/ I fear this gentleman's brain may be smoother than his stahlhelm. He's finally learned something about what the rules are in the real world, but was shocked to discover that his intuitions of a high-functioning, honor-based legalism prove to be anemic and senile when confronted with the true law of the world, which is that of the jungle. He's so lacking in animal cunning that his mental process was probably something like "if youtube is going to break the social contract, then I'm gonna break it TIMES A MILLION." It's the only thing he can think to do, having spent his life cultivating nothing. Not wealth, political power, physical strength, charisma, and certainly not a thoroughgoing understanding of history, politics, psychology, business, economics, or any topic more useful than how often chewbacca takes a shit. tldr: Say no to redpill psychosis! Say yes to building yourself up as best you can, even if that's just doing a lot of pushups and being a good and respected dude in your local community. It's not only better for your mental health, but you'll also find that when it's time to speak your piece, you're more likely to be understood.
>>1885 That last tldr paragraph anon wrote, is a very good advice in my opinion. You should follow it.
Been skipping every class in college and lying to parents about it, I feel some guilt about it, but seeing as it isn't the first time, my guilt is very much diminished. Also, I'd like to thank the OP and other anons for a thread like this, I'd like to offer my own opinions, but I'm way too smooth brained for that.
tought i almost lost you guys for good, there. got wrapped up in finals, and the two times i checked the site was down, glad its around now that i have real free time, glad to see this strange surge in activity second this >>1897, i just couldnt show up to classes, i felt like a bugman, barely learned anything this past year im getting kinda tired of being the nighbourhood handyman, honestly i fix everything for everyone. it feels great, but its quite the burden. just yesterday my neighbour came back from a trip in which she lost her house keys, so i used my lockpicking skills to open her door, but then her deadbolt got caught so i had to break it down with a sledgehammer, today i had to fix a bench for someone..... its quite the burden, but its still worth it. the last paragraph in >>1885 are words to live by
>>1873 You just don't want to be gaslit anymore which is a perfectly valid feeling to have. I can only remind you that ultimately the struggle is spiritual and internal.
I went out for a late night drive a few weeks ago for a pizza, as I went in to town on a dimly lit road I fucking hit something. It was a kind of top heavy thud feeling that I cant forgot, honestly thought it was a person; As I drive a few feet further wondering what happened I see people looking in that direction and begin running towards it. I get off at a nearby gas station and check it out too and see people gathered around a big black dog bleeding from it's mouth while standing in a pool of blood. I offered assistance and to give them my number to help pay for any emergency care but they decline and leave quickly. I then start talking to a guy there who says they know the people, he then explains that their dogs get out often and she was just hanging out in the parking lot in front of the fast food place this happened at; She let her dogs just run around unsupervised. I got the pizza and went home wondering if any of this happened, when I got home despite holding food my dog went straight to my car's front bumper to smell it and just stared at me. TLDR; Hit a dog in front of it's owner's family and kids, paranoid to drive at night now.
>>1899 Seems like you have good skills in many things, maybe you could make a living out of it. >>1903 Fuck, I'm sorry to hear that. All I can say is forgive yourself, and don't forget to activate your car's most powerful frontlights when driving on a road with no one coming towards you.
>>1903 I've developed an intense dislike of dog owners because of stuff like this. Not all dog owners, of course. I used to live in the shitty part of town where nobody bothered with leashes. It was just the culture there that you would get a dog, not train it to any meaningful degree and also not put it on a leash so that every jogger, cyclist or skateboarder that passes will be accosted while the owner just stands there like a idiot, ineffectually trying to call the dog back. One time this guy's noticed me before the owner, and he was barely quick to grab it and put the leash on before it could come charging at me. As we passed, the dog was snarling and lunging at me. Like, what the fuck would have happened if he was half a second slower? At least he had the decency to forego the "don't worry; he's friendly" bit that these dumbfucks always give me. Like I'm supposed to know beforehand whether this particular uncontrollable animal is vicious or not. One retard allowed his golden retriever chase me into an intersection while I was jogging. What kind of sociopath lets such an innocent creature as a golden retriever run into the traffic like that? In a better part of town, this shit never happens. There's the rare narcissistic boomer asshole who feels the need to demonstrate his superiority to the NO DOGS OFF LEASH signs posted literally everywhere by going off leash anyway, but so far they can actually handle the obedience training. It's a mystery whether they can effectively prevent their dogs from attacking the wildlife who are supposed to be protected in this particular area I'm talking about, but I suspect the answer is still no. >a guy there who says they know the people, he then explains that their dogs get out often and she was just hanging out in the parking lot in front of the fast food place this happened at; She let her dogs just run around unsupervised. It's 100% not your fault that these people are human garbage. Sorry you had to go through this.
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>>1911 >Like, what the fuck would have happened if he was half a second slower? At least he had the decency to forego the "don't worry; he's friendly" bit that these dumbfucks always give me. Like I'm supposed to know beforehand whether this particular uncontrollable animal is vicious or not. There's a couple with pitbulls down the street from me, and they used that same excuse as they were growling and straining at the leash. Yeah, I'm sure your precious velvet hippos aren't dangerous at all and wouldn't cause any serious harm if they ever decided to follow their instincts and attack another creature. I love dogs (that aren't dangerous breeds; I'm 100% supportive of a final solution for pit bulls and bringing the hammer down on their owners), but there are too many people who take their responsibilities as a pet owner lightly. Dogs are lovable retards who don't know better than to do stupid things like run into traffic the second you look away. They need firm but benevolent guidance. If you're taking responsibility for the life of another living thing, you owe it to them to provide them the best possible life.
I don't know if it's the right place and I doubt what I'm going to say is even comparable to what others have been experiencing in this thread. One of my hamsters died, I'm not 100% sure if it's from old age or illness as my other hamsters are doing, although they're in separate cages. I suddenly noticed he barely moves and doesn't want to eat, I tried giving him food and even used dropper, but he wouldn't opened his mouth. It looked like he was about to get better when I tried to him an apple and later when I gave him water with sugar through dropper...however, I checked on him, few hours later and found out he died. I'm going to bury him tomorrow in the garden, I will also have to check closely my other hamsters to see if they're ill.
>>1919 Don't worry, this is the place for confessions, of course you can post here. I'm sorry to hear about your hamster, I hope you don't let this stop you from doing anything. I also hope you're other hamsters will live well too.
>>1919 sorry to hear that, anon. i lost my last hamster the same way, checked on her in the morning, by the evening she was cold and weak, tried warming her up by the heater and giving her honey and it didnt work, dont be too hard on yourself hope your other hammies are doing well.
>>1945 I had that experience as well, in 5th grade. Very sad. In hindsight, I'd have felt easier about it if I had at least taken good care of the poor bastard.
>>1919 I'm sorry to hear that anon, can't imagine what it's like to lose a pet like that, still at least you gave him a good life. How are you other hamsters like?
>>1906 >>1911 I know, what I cant shake off is the feeling of hitting a living thing with my car. The uncertainty of what I hit and the fear of fucking up my life because of it. If I was just a minute earlier or later, it would not have happened.
>>1926 >>1945 >>1946 >>1951 Thanks anons! I'm happy to say my other hamsters have been doing well. The hamster that died was a lonely male, he wasn't really social and didn't like that much to be held and getting patted, yet I still liked him and cared for him. I separated him from the female so they won't breed anymore (I kept three daughters), I tried putting him together with his son (who was quite big at that point) but they always ended up trying to kill each other so I would quickly retrieve the son to his cage. >>1945 What type of hamster you had? I have winter white dwarf. >i lost my last hamster That's terribly sad anon, I can't even imagine.
>>1897 >I'd like to thank the OP You are welcome. This is the only thread I visit here anymore, and even if I've moved on from some past issues and collected new ones I'm glad that others are keeping it alive and learning and giving their input. In a way it is interesting to look back through my old posts in this thread and see how things have changed and developed.
hoped i wouldnt have to come here so soon my father tried to kill me and my mother hes addicted to these sleeping and anxiety pills and he literally takes handfuls at a time i guess he got paranoid or scared or something but he came at her with an axe i literally punched it out of his hand as he brought it down onto her... one second late and she would be dead... he grabbed it and went at me but i parried it with my hands and threw it im much taller and stronger but he got a few hits in, i threw him to the ground and ran. im at my grandmothers place rn, im really not sure what to do i have a backpack with clothes, my laptop and phone, and like 800 r$, enough for a month/six weeks im not going back home, thats for sure i have family up north and wanted to stay at their place for a while with my mom but shes meeting with dad right now, she wants to talk with him, despite all my protests, im scared she`ll get killed but she wouldnt listen to me. im scared, confused, tired, and with my hands tied because im under 18 and not allowed to do much by myself i really wish id wake up and this would all be a nightmare, im considering just shooting myself, i have no friends or anything to help me out.
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>>2129 I hope you’ll forgive me for beginning with a foreword apology for the potential failure on my part to provide necessary emotional nutrients given the gravity of your situation, my personal mindset, & the absolute state of things globally. Addressing brass tacks; let’s not be too hasty with your suicide, you just saved your mother’s life and have escaped from a dysfunctional family environment that suddenly yet mildly predictably turned hostile with enough resources to support yourself in order to form a more concrete plan for moderately comfortable survival in the near future. There’s no doubt that the emotional pangs suffered during this confrontation will take years to undo and perhaps may never truly heal but it’s nearly a guarantee that your gaping wounds will fade into scars that could potentially heal completely if your father can ever be saved from the opioid epidemic. I suggest that you take another day or two to decompress before reaching out to your extended family so that you won’t come across as traumatically unhinged given the itchy trigger finger many have for dialing the authority figure nearest and dearest to them. Ask your mom to download a geolocation app on her phone so that you can ping her at a moment’s notice and keep track of her but you probably shouldn’t call the police. Take solace in the fact that you’ve done almost everything that you could under the circumstances-bleak as they may be-and apply the skills you’ve used thus far to focus on self-preservation so that you can do what you know is right again in the future.
>>2129 Killing yourself isn't a solution, you're still young like most of us. I wish to give you all my strength for you to resist this temptation. Killing yourself is denying the fact that good and happy things will also happen to you. So I wish the best to you and your mom. I hope you can get her somewhere we're she'll be safe.
>>2135 Well spoken anon, you know what to say :) Anyway OP, don't close the pages of the book so soon when you're only in the first chapters. Things right now are really rough but you have to comfort your mom during this time and be there for each other. I believe in you, there's more to life. Fake it until you get there. <3
Ah, what a pathetic state of things! I want to kill myself but I can't find the time. Saturday is too soon, I have things I need to put in order. I'm not religious, but killing myself on a Sunday just feels wrong. Then I don't want to kill myself on a day that I work, because I've at least earned that much. I feel like Pagliacci.
>>2430 "Get busy living or get busy dying," they say.
>>2431 The transition is the hardest part.
>>2430 It's funny how I've built a life where I'm "close" to so many people, I have people that would stick their necks out for me, I have friends and family that would go out of their way to help me, but I don't have a single person in my life who would give me even a phoney "That's rough." when I'm feeling down. Not like that would change anything, but I think it's a funny observation towards my clownishness.
Perhaps, the path of least resistance would be to become a chemically-numbed chronic masturbator, and just persist like that for a while. To give cooler heads a chance to pervail. I don't particularly hate myself or the majority of my situation, this world is just a place I can no longer stand to live in, and worst of all there isn't a single thing I could ever do to stop it.
My great grandfather killed 3 people in a land dispute, moved to another country and adopted a new identity. He somehow managed to outgun 3 men that tried to cheat him out of land; It's badass but my last name is a lie.
I'm not sure if I want to continue the relationship I am currently in. I can't seem to end it though, part of it is that I just don't want to traumatize my partner. My partner is already mentally unstable as is.
Man, things dont make any sense to me anymore. It is getting difficult to tell apart a dream from real life. Nothing is making sense. At this rate I dont see myself living very long. Don't think that I am depressed, but dont really see any point in living. Looking at the trajectory I have been on, it will just keep on getting difficult and I fail to see why I should even bother. I have nothing to look forward to, except more toiling and misery. "Just & wageslave for 30 more years and die bro", why would I even want to do that? Any fucking time, I think I have some reason to be happy about, some shit comes totally out of nowhere and fucking ruins it. I am tired of this hell, I am fucking scared of being happy now. Think that I have failed as human being, that I am incompatible with rest of the world. I wont be able to go with this for very long. I am done with everyone, everything. Fuck the world, fuck the human race, fuck the civillisation.
>>4639 relatable, especially the dream/rl thing.
Started this thread nearly two years ago now. Shit got much better for a while, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is starting to trend downwards again. Thank you to all who have kept the thread active. My confession is that I appreciate it, and feel just a bit less alone.
I am currently wracked with an existential dread about eternal suffering where I am revived post mortem a la I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream and I can't seem to shake it. I would like some philosophical consoling to give me peace of mind. >>3668 (4 months late woo) If you are concerned about a sudden break in the relationship hurting your girlfriend, try finding a way to slowly wind it down first. Try and distance yourself from her, slowly do fewer things with her and talk less. Don't be rude or hostile, but just be less into whatever it is. Ideally you want her to feel the same way and come to the conclusion that the relationship isn't working, that way when one of you decides to break things up, it's a mutual agreement that it's for the best and not some world shattering break up.
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>Post what is on your mind. Speak freely. honestly? life after graduating high school (a little over 3 months ago) has been kinda shit so far. i feel like i finished all that needed to be done: schoolwork, making friends online, finding out i'm a trans woman, etc etc... but i still feel...empty, like a big hole in my chest. seeing longtime friends come and go (one mutual even got outed as a pedo), finding out communities i considered myself part of aren't what they seem to be, shit like that. This emptiness can be filled temporarily by music, relationships, anime and whatever, but not permanently. i'm not ready to die or kill myself or anything like that, but i feel like replaying my entire life from birth in hopes of subconsciously doing something different.
>>5206 You are very young. Most people enter a severe depression upon finishing high school. It's a rough and confusing time. You'll get better at coping and accepting things as the way they are as the years go by, I promise you.
>>5223 It's a bullshit world where everything is fake and gay, so no wonder he's despressed. That's pretty normal, if you're not brainwashed.
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>>5223 although, i got some good friends that tell me "hey we in this together :)" in the most sincere way possible, and that's one of the things that bring me comfort. finding a community full of people in the same situation as you feels good. i should come out to my mom, i feel bad not telling her about my identity.
>>5227 come out when you feel is right. don't feel obligated. </3
>>5226 I don't disagree, but it pretty much always worsens right after finishing high school. Even if they had everything they always wanted, they would most likely still feel empty and lost. >>5227 It really is a world of people being all in it together. It's rough for pretty much everyone. My advice would be to present yourself as male for a while on hormones (you can buy those online if you haven't already by the way). You know how when puberty starts, all the boys and girls start acting weird and overemotional? Middle school stuff? It's the puberty, and making a shift in your hormones has a high chance of making you a bit histronic and overemotional for a few months like most kids entering puberty until your mind has rewired and adapted to the changes allowing you to calm down a bit.
>>5206 Focus on self reflection. Ask yourself questions about who you are and what you want to do. Debate your own thoughts, and be honest with each and every answer you give yourself, even if the answers you get are hard, or seem contradictory. For me, delving into my own opinions and thoughts and taking ideas I once casually dismissed with being "wrong" or for stupid people has opened my mind, and it may help you find your way. I had an obsession with trying to be a scientist ever since I was a kid, but going through university, I started to realize that science really wasn't for me, but I had pigeon-holed myself mentally that I HAD to go into science; it paid well, progressed human knowledge, was "intellectual" as if it made me inherently a better person, and I had spent my entire life hard focusing on it. I felt that I had nothing else I could do. But I eventually discovered something I was passionate about: nature. I started going outside more, going to hiking trails, camping; I decided to become a park ranger. Outdoors, exercise, managing animals; a job I love, and not what I would have expected considering I entered university for physics. It was a bit of struggle though, mostly coming to terms You need to find a fulfilling occupation. Everyone is different, but find what your passion is. Explore the world, try new things, and eventually you'll stumble upon something that clicks, even if it doesn't immediately stand out to you. Another thing that I believe is important though, is to start exercising. A healthy body is a healthy mind, and exercise is an excellent way to deal with depression, almost anyone will tell you that. I disagree with the other anon though, I would not recommend taking hormones. Brain chemistry is a fickle thing science still does not completely understand and I seriously doubt artificially disturbing the balance will have positive mental effects.
>>5235 >I disagree with the other anon though, I would not recommend taking hormones. Brain chemistry is a fickle thing science still does not completely understand and I seriously doubt artificially disturbing the balance will have positive mental effects. I'm pretty sure they've made their decision. The only reason you find it somewhat disturbing is because it isn't something that is alluring to you, so when you project your own feelings on the matter on to others you feel like someone is making a deeply wrong choice simply because it's not one you would even consider. Ask yourself how similar you are to someone who would consider something like this. Our brains and boides are not as fickle as you think. Lots of women take hormones, most of them are just fine. Both young and older females do it. Males also have estrogen and the same receptors. It's not like it's anything the body isn't used to. It's actually quite weak in the grand scheme of things. It slightly reduces your androgenic competitive drive, slightly increases your empathy, gives you a bit better skin, and some moderate fat changes. It's not somethiing complicated or drastic and the effects are pretty much entirely reversible other than any breast tissue that may have formed. You are right about exercise though. It really helps and any person will surely feel a bit better afterwards.
>>5235 >I had an obsession with trying to be a scientist ever since I was a kid, but going through university, I started to realize that science really wasn't for me, but I had pigeon-holed myself mentally that I HAD to go into science; it paid well, progressed human knowledge, was "intellectual" as if it made me inherently a better person, and I had spent my entire life hard focusing on it. Reminds me of something I've been dealing with for the past couple years. Back in my teens I wanted to make games, but it wasn't really a big passion for me. So I'd just sketch up game ideas when I was bored, sometimes code something, draw a couple characters, start on a song or two, but I never really had the drive to finish anything. Over time that interest faded away and I just started coasting until I finished college, got a decent job, and moved out. Then a few years ago started reading about successful devs who, like me, wanted to make games in their teens and picked up the skills to do so then. Initially I got mad at myself for not pursuing my dreams harder. Then I looked into their lives and noticed a key difference: upbringing. At first I thought they had really good childhoods and mine was just average, then it grew more clear that theirs were the ordinary ones. Mine wasn't normal or healthy in the slightest, I learned; no wonder I didn't have the passion they did. Realizing this, I felt robbed and started getting back into gamedev to chase that dream once again. Of course, that's easier said than done when work takes up all your time, you've still got a lot of mental baggage to work through, and there's skills to learn that you should've learned growing up. I started a project a year ago and I'm not even halfway done with the thing. It's not even that big, either. So now I'm at a point where I'm starting to wonder, do I really want to make games? Or do I just want justice for the me that could have been? With this in mind, I've been trying to seek out new hobbies besides computers and games, but nothing is interesting. Not even the stuff I thought I liked is interesting anymore. I'll take something on, but within a few months I've already lost passion. It's made me afraid to seek out new things because I fear I'll stop caring about them before the year is over.
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>>5243 I used to make games for fun back when computers were simpler (everything from 8-bit up through 486 DOS with Turbo Pascal), but I kinda dropped out when things started getting more complicated and all that 3D shit happened. Then I started making levels for Doom, but dropped out of that when the scene got lame (by that I mean people started taking "reviews" seriously and making levels for praise and status, instead of just following their own personal vision and not giving a fuck what anyone thinks). Now I'm thinking of getting back into making games, but without graphics, or just very basic graphics (think of stuff like roguelikes, MUDs, and text RPGs). Basically stuff that doesn't require a ton of work and endless libraries and frameworks, and doesn't need a supercomputer.
i dumped my ex because they would always complain about life and always talk about suicide but put in any effort to change.... along with other things i'm unemployed and neetdom is getting old, i have no friends outside of the internet my life is boring and lonely sleeping and never waking sounds good and it's kind of twisted that i can put myself into my ex's shoes a little more
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>>5305 Maybe you'll meet again on the other side. Depresison and suicide is a complicated thing. No matter how much effort I put in my thoughts always go back to the same place even as my life changes routine, interests shift, habits change. Makes me question why I even bother to make changes sometimes when the end result is always the same. Even medication did not make a difference to me, although I know it does for some people. Honestly, I think many of us are just doomed to hang on until we can't anymore. Actually committing is very scary... until one day it isn't. The person will start to appear quite happy and relieved, knowing they're ready and their time has come. Ending suffering etc. Most of us are not there yet, but the change can come when we least expect it.
>>5306 at heart i'm an existialist, but i wholeheartedly understand inclinations towards suicide. For the majority of my teenage years I wanted to neck myself. At this point I have a sadomasochistic relationship with life as I suffer but I'm bound to this earth until sickness or age takes me.
I understand people wanting to kill themselves perfectly, but I think we end up paying for suicide on the other side.
>>2433 If they would go out of their way to help, why wouldn't they give you some emotional reassurance? Are they incapable of helping that way, or is it that you haven't opened up to them fully when you're down? >>2434 Maybe you should stop masturbating for a while, and remember what it's like to be cool headed without abusing your dick. >>2505 I'd wager he didn't want to pass down his name to you so you don't get into trouble. Many such cases in the movies >>4639 Sounds like you need to change your whole life, and by that I mean go to a new city, new job, meet new people...etc. I'd even tell you to try going to a different country altogether if it's really bad, you most probably just need to get out of your environment as it's not giving your life any meaning. >>5140 Life has its ups and downs. Whenever you're in a rut, just remember how you got past the bad times before. I saved your post because sometimes I need to hear it too. >>5164 What you need is religious/spiritual consoling, which I'm not sure if you're open to. I can tell you this; everything has a beginning and an end, one day your life will end and you'll get off the roller coaster for good, no more living life as you know it. What comes after, whether nothingness or some divine event, is a mystery that is not worth obsessing over. Think about your life at the moment; what can you do with it so that when the ride ends you feel fulfilled and relieved? What kinda life would make you not care what happens after death, because you got the most out of it? >>5245 Then make a game, what is stopping you? Programming has gotten easier and more casual since the 20th century, high time to pick a book/tutorial and learn some shit. Make something that you would want to play, it can be a simple text adventure or a terminal game or whatever, as long as you enjoy making it (and playing it). >>5309 How so?
>>224 Hello late A girl I think is cute smiled at me at work. It made me disproportionately happy. I'm in my mid 20s. I'm sad and lonely. It makes me frustrated and resentful. The last time I held a girls hand I was 11. It was at an airport. We were stuck in Qatar airport together for 16 hours. I still vividly remember her. I was heavily bullied when I moved to a different school in middle school. I think I never recovered socially. I now drink more and more heavily. They don't ID me in stores anymore even though they are supposed to. I want to try my life again. I'm a disappointment to everyone who ever cared about me. I make my family sad. god. damn. it.
>>5421 > I want to try my life again. Have you considered moving away, so that nobody knows you? It makes it easier to 'fake it until you make it'.
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>>5422 Thank you for your reply and consideration. I have thought about it on and off. I don't have many options open to me right now, but I hope to move somewhere else where I am not known to anyone, perhaps next year. I find women around my age very intimidating. I'm very shy (painfully really) and afraid of getting hurt. I find it hard not to think about small things that may be snubs over and over again. I don't think I'm capable of faking it. I find it hard to make eye contact without feeling embarrassed. I want to try again most of all in the sense that I want to start from my childhood again. I know it isn't a productive thought. I catch myself daydreaming about having a normal life as a teenager too. The worst thing is waking up from a pleasant dream. I'm just whining a little really, anon. I try to say hello to people in real life, but it just comes out as a squeak all too often.

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