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Confession Anonymous 11/03/2019 (Sun) 06:30:12 No. 224
Finally broke down at 4am and told my father about the depression, the suicidal thoughts, and all the other shit that I've kept to myself for the past year. He had no idea about any of it, most people didn't. Even those who knew about parts of it never knew the fill picture.
It felt really good, lads.
The /late/ hours are the best for sorrow and depression, but also for confession and empathy.

Post what is on your mind. Speak freely.
>>2431 The transition is the hardest part.
>>2430 It's funny how I've built a life where I'm "close" to so many people, I have people that would stick their necks out for me, I have friends and family that would go out of their way to help me, but I don't have a single person in my life who would give me even a phoney "That's rough." when I'm feeling down. Not like that would change anything, but I think it's a funny observation towards my clownishness.
Perhaps, the path of least resistance would be to become a chemically-numbed chronic masturbator, and just persist like that for a while. To give cooler heads a chance to pervail. I don't particularly hate myself or the majority of my situation, this world is just a place I can no longer stand to live in, and worst of all there isn't a single thing I could ever do to stop it.
My great grandfather killed 3 people in a land dispute, moved to another country and adopted a new identity. He somehow managed to outgun 3 men that tried to cheat him out of land; It's badass but my last name is a lie.
I'm not sure if I want to continue the relationship I am currently in. I can't seem to end it though, part of it is that I just don't want to traumatize my partner. My partner is already mentally unstable as is.
Man, things dont make any sense to me anymore. It is getting difficult to tell apart a dream from real life. Nothing is making sense. At this rate I dont see myself living very long. Don't think that I am depressed, but dont really see any point in living. Looking at the trajectory I have been on, it will just keep on getting difficult and I fail to see why I should even bother. I have nothing to look forward to, except more toiling and misery. "Just & wageslave for 30 more years and die bro", why would I even want to do that? Any fucking time, I think I have some reason to be happy about, some shit comes totally out of nowhere and fucking ruins it. I am tired of this hell, I am fucking scared of being happy now. Think that I have failed as human being, that I am incompatible with rest of the world. I wont be able to go with this for very long. I am done with everyone, everything. Fuck the world, fuck the human race, fuck the civillisation.
>>4639 relatable, especially the dream/rl thing.
Started this thread nearly two years ago now. Shit got much better for a while, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is starting to trend downwards again. Thank you to all who have kept the thread active. My confession is that I appreciate it, and feel just a bit less alone.
I am currently wracked with an existential dread about eternal suffering where I am revived post mortem a la I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream and I can't seem to shake it. I would like some philosophical consoling to give me peace of mind. >>3668 (4 months late woo) If you are concerned about a sudden break in the relationship hurting your girlfriend, try finding a way to slowly wind it down first. Try and distance yourself from her, slowly do fewer things with her and talk less. Don't be rude or hostile, but just be less into whatever it is. Ideally you want her to feel the same way and come to the conclusion that the relationship isn't working, that way when one of you decides to break things up, it's a mutual agreement that it's for the best and not some world shattering break up.
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>Post what is on your mind. Speak freely. honestly? life after graduating high school (a little over 3 months ago) has been kinda shit so far. i feel like i finished all that needed to be done: schoolwork, making friends online, finding out i'm a trans woman, etc etc... but i still feel...empty, like a big hole in my chest. seeing longtime friends come and go (one mutual even got outed as a pedo), finding out communities i considered myself part of aren't what they seem to be, shit like that. This emptiness can be filled temporarily by music, relationships, anime and whatever, but not permanently. i'm not ready to die or kill myself or anything like that, but i feel like replaying my entire life from birth in hopes of subconsciously doing something different.
>>5206 You are very young. Most people enter a severe depression upon finishing high school. It's a rough and confusing time. You'll get better at coping and accepting things as the way they are as the years go by, I promise you.
>>5223 It's a bullshit world where everything is fake and gay, so no wonder he's despressed. That's pretty normal, if you're not brainwashed.
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>>5223 although, i got some good friends that tell me "hey we in this together :)" in the most sincere way possible, and that's one of the things that bring me comfort. finding a community full of people in the same situation as you feels good. i should come out to my mom, i feel bad not telling her about my identity.
>>5227 come out when you feel is right. don't feel obligated. </3
>>5226 I don't disagree, but it pretty much always worsens right after finishing high school. Even if they had everything they always wanted, they would most likely still feel empty and lost. >>5227 It really is a world of people being all in it together. It's rough for pretty much everyone. My advice would be to present yourself as male for a while on hormones (you can buy those online if you haven't already by the way). You know how when puberty starts, all the boys and girls start acting weird and overemotional? Middle school stuff? It's the puberty, and making a shift in your hormones has a high chance of making you a bit histronic and overemotional for a few months like most kids entering puberty until your mind has rewired and adapted to the changes allowing you to calm down a bit.
>>5206 Focus on self reflection. Ask yourself questions about who you are and what you want to do. Debate your own thoughts, and be honest with each and every answer you give yourself, even if the answers you get are hard, or seem contradictory. For me, delving into my own opinions and thoughts and taking ideas I once casually dismissed with being "wrong" or for stupid people has opened my mind, and it may help you find your way. I had an obsession with trying to be a scientist ever since I was a kid, but going through university, I started to realize that science really wasn't for me, but I had pigeon-holed myself mentally that I HAD to go into science; it paid well, progressed human knowledge, was "intellectual" as if it made me inherently a better person, and I had spent my entire life hard focusing on it. I felt that I had nothing else I could do. But I eventually discovered something I was passionate about: nature. I started going outside more, going to hiking trails, camping; I decided to become a park ranger. Outdoors, exercise, managing animals; a job I love, and not what I would have expected considering I entered university for physics. It was a bit of struggle though, mostly coming to terms You need to find a fulfilling occupation. Everyone is different, but find what your passion is. Explore the world, try new things, and eventually you'll stumble upon something that clicks, even if it doesn't immediately stand out to you. Another thing that I believe is important though, is to start exercising. A healthy body is a healthy mind, and exercise is an excellent way to deal with depression, almost anyone will tell you that. I disagree with the other anon though, I would not recommend taking hormones. Brain chemistry is a fickle thing science still does not completely understand and I seriously doubt artificially disturbing the balance will have positive mental effects.
>>5235 >I disagree with the other anon though, I would not recommend taking hormones. Brain chemistry is a fickle thing science still does not completely understand and I seriously doubt artificially disturbing the balance will have positive mental effects. I'm pretty sure they've made their decision. The only reason you find it somewhat disturbing is because it isn't something that is alluring to you, so when you project your own feelings on the matter on to others you feel like someone is making a deeply wrong choice simply because it's not one you would even consider. Ask yourself how similar you are to someone who would consider something like this. Our brains and boides are not as fickle as you think. Lots of women take hormones, most of them are just fine. Both young and older females do it. Males also have estrogen and the same receptors. It's not like it's anything the body isn't used to. It's actually quite weak in the grand scheme of things. It slightly reduces your androgenic competitive drive, slightly increases your empathy, gives you a bit better skin, and some moderate fat changes. It's not somethiing complicated or drastic and the effects are pretty much entirely reversible other than any breast tissue that may have formed. You are right about exercise though. It really helps and any person will surely feel a bit better afterwards.
>>5235 >I had an obsession with trying to be a scientist ever since I was a kid, but going through university, I started to realize that science really wasn't for me, but I had pigeon-holed myself mentally that I HAD to go into science; it paid well, progressed human knowledge, was "intellectual" as if it made me inherently a better person, and I had spent my entire life hard focusing on it. Reminds me of something I've been dealing with for the past couple years. Back in my teens I wanted to make games, but it wasn't really a big passion for me. So I'd just sketch up game ideas when I was bored, sometimes code something, draw a couple characters, start on a song or two, but I never really had the drive to finish anything. Over time that interest faded away and I just started coasting until I finished college, got a decent job, and moved out. Then a few years ago started reading about successful devs who, like me, wanted to make games in their teens and picked up the skills to do so then. Initially I got mad at myself for not pursuing my dreams harder. Then I looked into their lives and noticed a key difference: upbringing. At first I thought they had really good childhoods and mine was just average, then it grew more clear that theirs were the ordinary ones. Mine wasn't normal or healthy in the slightest, I learned; no wonder I didn't have the passion they did. Realizing this, I felt robbed and started getting back into gamedev to chase that dream once again. Of course, that's easier said than done when work takes up all your time, you've still got a lot of mental baggage to work through, and there's skills to learn that you should've learned growing up. I started a project a year ago and I'm not even halfway done with the thing. It's not even that big, either. So now I'm at a point where I'm starting to wonder, do I really want to make games? Or do I just want justice for the me that could have been? With this in mind, I've been trying to seek out new hobbies besides computers and games, but nothing is interesting. Not even the stuff I thought I liked is interesting anymore. I'll take something on, but within a few months I've already lost passion. It's made me afraid to seek out new things because I fear I'll stop caring about them before the year is over.
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>>5243 I used to make games for fun back when computers were simpler (everything from 8-bit up through 486 DOS with Turbo Pascal), but I kinda dropped out when things started getting more complicated and all that 3D shit happened. Then I started making levels for Doom, but dropped out of that when the scene got lame (by that I mean people started taking "reviews" seriously and making levels for praise and status, instead of just following their own personal vision and not giving a fuck what anyone thinks). Now I'm thinking of getting back into making games, but without graphics, or just very basic graphics (think of stuff like roguelikes, MUDs, and text RPGs). Basically stuff that doesn't require a ton of work and endless libraries and frameworks, and doesn't need a supercomputer.
i dumped my ex because they would always complain about life and always talk about suicide but put in any effort to change.... along with other things i'm unemployed and neetdom is getting old, i have no friends outside of the internet my life is boring and lonely sleeping and never waking sounds good and it's kind of twisted that i can put myself into my ex's shoes a little more
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>>5305 Maybe you'll meet again on the other side. Depresison and suicide is a complicated thing. No matter how much effort I put in my thoughts always go back to the same place even as my life changes routine, interests shift, habits change. Makes me question why I even bother to make changes sometimes when the end result is always the same. Even medication did not make a difference to me, although I know it does for some people. Honestly, I think many of us are just doomed to hang on until we can't anymore. Actually committing is very scary... until one day it isn't. The person will start to appear quite happy and relieved, knowing they're ready and their time has come. Ending suffering etc. Most of us are not there yet, but the change can come when we least expect it.
>>5306 at heart i'm an existialist, but i wholeheartedly understand inclinations towards suicide. For the majority of my teenage years I wanted to neck myself. At this point I have a sadomasochistic relationship with life as I suffer but I'm bound to this earth until sickness or age takes me.
I understand people wanting to kill themselves perfectly, but I think we end up paying for suicide on the other side.
>>2433 If they would go out of their way to help, why wouldn't they give you some emotional reassurance? Are they incapable of helping that way, or is it that you haven't opened up to them fully when you're down? >>2434 Maybe you should stop masturbating for a while, and remember what it's like to be cool headed without abusing your dick. >>2505 I'd wager he didn't want to pass down his name to you so you don't get into trouble. Many such cases in the movies >>4639 Sounds like you need to change your whole life, and by that I mean go to a new city, new job, meet new people...etc. I'd even tell you to try going to a different country altogether if it's really bad, you most probably just need to get out of your environment as it's not giving your life any meaning. >>5140 Life has its ups and downs. Whenever you're in a rut, just remember how you got past the bad times before. I saved your post because sometimes I need to hear it too. >>5164 What you need is religious/spiritual consoling, which I'm not sure if you're open to. I can tell you this; everything has a beginning and an end, one day your life will end and you'll get off the roller coaster for good, no more living life as you know it. What comes after, whether nothingness or some divine event, is a mystery that is not worth obsessing over. Think about your life at the moment; what can you do with it so that when the ride ends you feel fulfilled and relieved? What kinda life would make you not care what happens after death, because you got the most out of it? >>5245 Then make a game, what is stopping you? Programming has gotten easier and more casual since the 20th century, high time to pick a book/tutorial and learn some shit. Make something that you would want to play, it can be a simple text adventure or a terminal game or whatever, as long as you enjoy making it (and playing it). >>5309 How so?
>>224 Hello late A girl I think is cute smiled at me at work. It made me disproportionately happy. I'm in my mid 20s. I'm sad and lonely. It makes me frustrated and resentful. The last time I held a girls hand I was 11. It was at an airport. We were stuck in Qatar airport together for 16 hours. I still vividly remember her. I was heavily bullied when I moved to a different school in middle school. I think I never recovered socially. I now drink more and more heavily. They don't ID me in stores anymore even though they are supposed to. I want to try my life again. I'm a disappointment to everyone who ever cared about me. I make my family sad. god. damn. it.
>>5421 > I want to try my life again. Have you considered moving away, so that nobody knows you? It makes it easier to 'fake it until you make it'.
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>>5422 Thank you for your reply and consideration. I have thought about it on and off. I don't have many options open to me right now, but I hope to move somewhere else where I am not known to anyone, perhaps next year. I find women around my age very intimidating. I'm very shy (painfully really) and afraid of getting hurt. I find it hard not to think about small things that may be snubs over and over again. I don't think I'm capable of faking it. I find it hard to make eye contact without feeling embarrassed. I want to try again most of all in the sense that I want to start from my childhood again. I know it isn't a productive thought. I catch myself daydreaming about having a normal life as a teenager too. The worst thing is waking up from a pleasant dream. I'm just whining a little really, anon. I try to say hello to people in real life, but it just comes out as a squeak all too often.
ive dug my own hole and now im stuck ive often fantazized about a woman saving me and saying its ok but i know thats not going to happen in todays socity im a man without a country my homeland has fallen lithuania will never be the same poland is doing moderatly good for itself and im stuck in the US living in a shithole blood and soil brothers blood and soil
im fucking angry at the same time my own countrymen let thier homeland go to hell and now its just another EU controlled shithole i want to go and inprove it but im fucked either way thanks for letting me vent for a while
I had a bad depressive episode yesterday that left me with a suicide plan in my to-do system. Looking at it now, I'm not sure if I want to delete it or not. I mean, it's not so much that I want to die as it is that I want to escape from the life I've been trapped in since birth. A life where I'm practically alone without any support whatsoever. Before adulthood, it was the abusive, neglectful environment that trapped me within self-hatred and made me unable to find friends. Then in college it was the lack of money that kept me from enjoying young adulthood. What keeps me trapped now is the damage caused by all this, combined with the fact that I can't even see a therapist about it. There's just none available when I am. I could take time off work, but if I do that regularly then my boss is going to ask what's up, and I don't know what I could tell him. He's one of those anti-medicine types too, so I can't just tell him I'm seeing a shrink or anything. Can't get a different job either. While I do qualify for them and get interviews, I always bomb them due to how shy and awkward I am. I think what caused that depressive bout was seeing a bunch of people talking about all the relationships and such that they've had. That's usually what sets these off anyway. I know relationships aren't the biggest thing in the world, but when you've spent your whole life being lonely, it hurts like hell seeing everyone else being able to have them. Especially when they're much younger than you.
>>6072 Don't beat yourself up, and don't close this chapter just yet. Meet someone else like yourself, and have a conversation. Make a group of friends. You will see eventually that it was worth it to stick around, and that life is worth living.
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I'm still trying to figure out what's the point of living in a dying world. And not just the world itself, I'm probably going to die in about 10 years due to being peer-pressured to taking the snake bite. That's on top of other fears I've been experiencing recently. Fear of losing everything. Of the government claiming my money and barring me from something for some bureaucratic reason. Fear for greater control. Of seeing everything you know and love destroyed for some petty, bogus cause. Of seeing people fall for it and being pressured (as already happened). I'm just afraid of everything and I haven't felt this suicidal in a while, and the fact that the year has just started makes me feel that it's only going to get worse. I just don't know anymore. I don't see the point in anything, especially if my life and the world itself will just get worse and worse. I don't want to live a living hell. I'd rather just die. Isn't it funny how most cultures and civilizations treated suicide as a noble act of redemption, except for Judeo-christian societies? It's almost as if they knew they had to convince people to not to kill themselves so they wouldn't lose slaves in the hell world they were creating. Just a thought.
>>6101 Only read this post. I got a shitty job a few months ago at a local, White-owned landscaping place, honest about the fact that I had no prior experience. Had to get up 4-5 AM everyday, but being out in the sun or driving in a truck with other laid-back anti-vax bros was heaven. Quit because of few hours, no wage increase, and mostly, one shitty new supervisor. So I guess I just recommend widening your pool of peers. Find the based guys. Get sunshine & physical activity - they boost your testosterone, and testosterone cures depression. Avoid testosterone-lowering foods like sugar and alcohol.
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>>5206 Stop before its too late.
>>6246 I wonder how much of this stuff comes from authentic gender dysphoria and how much of it is programmed into vulnerable people. I'm not a transsexual, but I remember alternatively wanting to be pretty even as a kid and thinking that having an empty space where my dick and balls are would be more aesthetically pleasing (my opinion has since gone 180 degrees on having a dick). But even being a somewhat autogynephilic pervert who'd love to be androgynous, I would never go on female hormones or cut up my junk.
>>6269 My perspective is if it's beautiful it's relatively acceptable. I'm not beautiful, and I wouldn't be beautiful even if I was born a girl.
I've seen so many things, and I've been through so many things, and they haven't made me strong. They've just made me tired.
>>6378 i've wish i got something to cheer you up but i got this: when i was finishing up college, my french proff said that there is a phrase for, "life doesn't get easier/better, you just get used to the suffering." hang in there
>>6246 I honestly never get where the "tranny leftypol" thing comes from. I've used to visit it weekly in 2018 and a bit in 2019 and most people, at least vocal ones, are your standard stalinoids who despise idpol. If I had to say something, it would be that they should have a bit less retarded views on violence since these are the kind of people who would shoot their friends in the back if the opportunity was there.
>>6381 it's very early so its still dark outside but, I finally did in person classes for college....they weren't that great. makes sense since I guess I'm just stuck as an internet autist forever. also been going a lot on /wsr/ to fulfill requests since my life feels so empty right now. im even getting tired of that since ill never find any actual friends. interacting even online seems pointlesss to me now. god do I miss my former high-school friend....
>>6436 sorry I meant to reply to op really am a mess even when it's still calm all around me
>>6436 >im even getting tired of that since ill never find any actual friends. interacting even online seems pointlesss to me now. do people actually make friends on 4chan? I've seen lifelong friendships, relationships and even a marriage form because of forums, but nothing other than endless smalltalk on imageboards those types of meaningful bonds take time and history to form, and most types of social media now make interactions feel so transient and shallow
>>6440 >do people actually make friends on 4chan? I did join a small community that spun off the board afterwards but later I had a change of heart in that I started disliking the culture as it went further and further south (or I got more sour about it). There are too many things I can't stand about the internet right now but people seem to love every development. I used to feel like I couldn't keep up and I was getting alienated but now I feel like me and the rest of the world are going entirely opposite directions. I feel so old and tired sometimes. There are a few things that keep me going but that positivity just bounces off now. Sometimes I just want to lie down and sink into the ground like a vampire.
>>6452 I feel you Anon. Back in the day, when project chanology was big, I actually had lots of fun and even irl friends with and from 4chan or its adjacent communities, mainly in Europe. Nowadays, I can't relate to contemporary internet culture much anymore. It might be me or them but me and the bros online went separate ways. I come to think that it has a lot to do with availability. Before the invention and wide-spread use of smartphones one had to choose between going out and socializing or staying indoors and shitposting. Also the increasingly ease of use of technology gives space for infinite amounts of normies swarming our autistic mencaves online. Don't get me wrong anon, I have no grudge. That's just how things turn out sometimes. Yet, I miss the old days when the internet was a rough and somewhat disturbing place but at least it was ours.
Realized lately that I have got a bad case of imposter syndrome. I feel guilty for doing anything that may translate to a job or employment. I don't want to rip people off of their money with my worthless gaping asshole, but I do need money to live sadly. Maybe I just have an unhealthy relationship with money.
>>224 I've been struggling to get a job, particularly in a city I want to move to. I've been constantly reminding myself that one day I'll have enough money to move out of this pathetic excuse of a country I'm currently in and return to where I was born, my home. "I'm against these people" I thought to myself. "I'm against this worthless excuse of a country and everything it stands for." "these tired, propoganda spewing tabloids, subsidized by an equally tired and dreary government, have been in the hands of monkeys for what seems to be an eternity and yet still has not produced anything but the most unrelievedly disgusting gossip and hearsay. I think, even, that the monkeys would have produced something vaguely serviceable by this point. really! the entire country, run by sub-monkeys!" "the people here are especially awful. nauseating. I've been trapped with these subhumans for years now — I hate them, I hate all of them." "the politicians that they hold in such high regard have, for years now, devolved into nothing more than the most pathetic collection of apparatchiks. a rancid factory working with the goal of stamping out any sort of introspection and individuality wherever it might still exist here" and I'll rant and rave, on and on and on... afterwards I always blame myself for screwing up so badly and getting into this situation in the first place. I just end up feeling sad. so much of my energy and motivation just vanishes into this endless cycle of depression and anger. I live like an hour from the border, too. I can see it on the horizon everytime I look out my window, and it's so unbelievably frustrating that despite how close I am to my goal, all I've been able to do is stare at it and wish to myself that I were headed that direction. I'll make it home one day, I keep telling myself. it's a promise
A friend of mine was killed in a car accident recently. We were really close between the ages of about 5 to 15, then drifted apart for no real reason. I'd wanted to reach out for years but never got round to it because I didn't think there was any rush. You'd think that this happening would motivate me to speak to my friends and family, but my natural impulse is, as it always is, to isolate myself. I'm trying to force myself to see them, and it's pleasant when I do, but I wish it was natural for me.
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>>224 That's really gay. Don't wait for somebody else's help, you're the only one that can change and improve yourself. Now stop being a whiny bitch b4 I kick yo ass
gay ass nigga
>>6503 >>6504 Fuck off underage

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