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Confession Anonymous 11/03/2019 (Sun) 06:30:12 No. 224
Finally broke down at 4am and told my father about the depression, the suicidal thoughts, and all the other shit that I've kept to myself for the past year. He had no idea about any of it, most people didn't. Even those who knew about parts of it never knew the fill picture.
It felt really good, lads.
The /late/ hours are the best for sorrow and depression, but also for confession and empathy.

Post what is on your mind. Speak freely.
>>224
On that note, it seems like being a night owl in an early bird world either causes, or exacerbates the depression. That and the winter season isn't helping.

Alas, I must simply struggle...
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>>224
Be careful anon. I know it starts to wear on you bottling everything up inside but it’s risky business exposing your power level in any field/walk of life these days. I myself have been institutionalized on multiple occasions, a few times it was due to excessive behavior on my part but I’ve had the doors sealed shut behind me after confessing my suicidality to a clinician and was hauled off by the arm of the state after admitting the scale of my mental problems to a trusted party.

These are precarious times; most everyone is looking to see when the music will stop and we’ll all have to race for a chair, even the sheep. I doubt you’ve had the time to fully expose yourself and I would advise that you begin to hold back what you’ve yet to divulge which you know is beyond the pale of the expectations and toleration of the masses. Obviously this imposes strict lines in the sand, but you’re better off keeping most of your misery to yourself. It’s highly unlikely that people will tolerate your unwilling unhappiness within their proximity for long.
>>231
Sadly this is true. Seems as though unhappiness of any kind wares down the illusions most people accept as such. You can vent here anon it'll help make faking irl easier.
There's so much I wanted to do. But it seems the very motions of events in this world are aware of exactly what I want, and shift just so that it becomes an impossibility for me.

I'm tired.
>>231
I kept up the illusion long enough, it was just good to let it all out to someone who wouldn't judge me for it.
I needed a nudge to not end my life, and giving myself that nudge was becoming less and less effective. Confession on an internet forum could only do so much.
That said, we haven't talked about it since, and will likely continue to function as if it never happened.
>>246
its good to vent to people about your problems but you need to be really careful about who you tell. I remember when I started telling my mother even just a few of my problems in high school she threatened to institutionalize me. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone the full extent of my issues and I doubt I ever will since I don’t want to find out what the inside of an asylum looks like.
>>271
Thats not your mother. That's a mercenary in the pay of the pharma cartels.
I'm tired. Very tired.
Sleep is either a gift or a curse. Welcome to eternity.
I'm very open about my depression and how much I want to die.
It still makes people a little uncomfortable but I can't help myself but to talk about it. I think it's to a point where it's almost like a joke.
I'm like the boy who cried wolf. Except everytime I've cried, I thought the wolf was coming, and each time it gets closer.
I got really close to going, tonight. When I'd think it through I used to feel bad or scared, but now it's just serene.
I know people care about me more than I can imagine, and that's a shame. I think I'm more okay with people secretly hating me, like I usually assume.
I also used to think a lot about my legacy. Think that I had to leave something notable behind. I don't care so much anymore. I don't have much hope that I'll ever do those things, regardless.
I had a note. It was clean and concise, and I'm pretty comfortable with it.
I also think a lot about trying heroin or getting on painkillers. But heroin is more romantic. I think of it a lot like being dead but with different consequences.
Heroin addiction would drag everyone who's tangled up with me into less of a mess, than my brains fertilizing the garden.
I don't remember the last time I was relaxed. I'm stressed out all the time. I'm even on the verge of a panic attack while I'm sleeping. My body aches. My bones hurt. I'm too tired for sleep to fix. And saying all this doesn't even give me relief. It makes me feel weak. I feel as though I was designed for a different world than this one. I guess that's a universal sentiment.
I suppose I'll hang on for now, but I don't know how long that will last. My fingers will slip, eventually. I figure it's only a matter of time.
>>224
I want to die. But the only thing that keeps me from jumping in front of a train is one simple question; who's going to pay for the server bills?

So I keep a cheerful face. All my friends are gone. My dreams are dead. I don't know why I'm alive.
Honestly I'm feeling pretty good. Like all things considered, I'm not stricken with some kind of horrible disease, I got my family, The people I know in Life seem to actually like me, and I'm not in need for anything.

I'm just very bored.
I'm diving deep with my tinfoil completely secure
This period in my life will probably be the best I'll ever have. It's great. My only fear is for when the time comes to wake up from my dream and face the horrible reality of my situation. But that isn't tonight, so tonight I shall relax.
>>231
>>271
>>280
This. When my therapist literally started telling me that's life in response to my problems I gave up on the mental health system. I've had around 10 therapists in my life, too many to remember them all at this point. None of them have helped, my problems are environmental and the countless pharma-shill psychiatrists masquerading as "scientists" and "doctors" who have tried to dope me with their soma drugs only make things worse. Prozac won't get rid of my poverty you fucks. It doesn't matter how much you try to "help" me with "coping techniques" none of that will stop my drunkard of an uncle from bursting through the door and demanding money at 2am from me and my mother. My anxiety, depression and ptsd are rational responses to my environment. You wouldn't try to dope a Syrian refugee fleeing from ISIS and tell them they have a mental issue. It's the same methodology just applied to a lesser intensity and it's sick nevertheless.

"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life" - Picard
>>568
yeah Kaczynski said soomthing similar to this, effectively whats going on is since society is so fucked nowadays peoople get doped up to fit in with society but the root of the prolem is the way modern socity its strutured to begin with. Pharma compaies are just fucking people and getting paid for it. Nothing real will change when you get on meds if you're situation is fucked.

Good on you bro, I hope you can get into a better situation.
I had a good friend who I've known for 7 years. I met her online when she was staring down suicide. I talked her out of it, then gave her some tips on filtering the talentless fucks who kept negging her on about her art. Then, I supplied her with some freeware programs and told her that her payment would be to keep on improving. She went from amateur scribbler to someone who could support herself with her art via patreon and ko-fi. She moved out of her horrible neighborhood and was on the way to being a success.

Today, she demanded that I pay her money because 'she deserves it'. I refused. She called me a bigot and burned the bridge.

7 years ago, I would have cried. Now, I feel cold. Detached. Angry, yes - I feel betrayed. Maybe I'll miss her, but the friend I knew is dead, and an arrogant bitch is wearing her skin.
>>593
That's very sad, holy shit dude! I've seen some people who really should know better given what they've been through.

That's just fucked.
>>593
Should have given her the dick.
>>593
>She went from amateur scribbler to someone who could support herself with her art via patreon and ko-fi.
A lot of girls pretend they're suicidal while acting competitive, social, functional and healthy because they get a shit-ton of material and moral support this way.
Most "depressed" people on the internet are social climbers and attention seekers, and they're making things much harder for people with actual issues.
>>231
>it’s risky business exposing your power level in any field/walk of life these days.
It's the sad fucking truth. I was also nearly hauled away when talking to a social worker the first time I sought out therapy. I just wanted help but instead was treated like a walking time bomb. Turns out there are just somethings you need to figure out on your own because no one will really help you.
>>570
Not him, but what hurts me the most is that there are so many people in the same situation yet everyone's too scared to get in touch. All the people you meet telling you this personal shit are strangers and will stay strangers no matter how much you relate.
It's like you're on a desert island and you constantly get messages in a bottle from other people and there's a raft right next to you but you don't know how or don't want to risk it, so you send your own messages in a bottle while waiting to eventually curl up and die alone in misery. You could probably build a nation out of all the depressed people out there but you know that the same dynamics that shit up the rest of the world would kick in as soon as anybody is given a chance to climb out of the bucket.
Sometimes I just believe this is natural selection, and we're just meant to fit into an environment somehow or die. The only way a person like me is useful to the world is to be milked by psychiatrists and pharmaceutical companies. This is my role in the ecosystem and if I don't want it then I'll be left to nature's devices. I can't argue against nature, after all I love nature and all those beautiful birds happened because the birds that couldn't fly were simply left to die.
>>312
stay strong anon
>>314
Boredom depresses me. Sometimes I'm so bored I don't even like to use these imageboard sites. I just stare off.
>>597
this. don't let em' succubi use you!

I don't know what to do with myself. It's late and I;m depressed and keep getting higher. Everything seems so pointless, why am I putting in all the work I do?
Why reach out when my hand will be slapped away or will wound those I reach out too?
The only thing you own in this world is the body you train everyday and therefore it's up you and you alone to take care of it.
And to remove those causes of sadness as a motivator or if it's clinical to bottle it up or spill it out chew that script.
Never complaining or talking, just slowly working towards bettering yourself.
We are alone in this world; relying on others is weakness.
>>312
Build new dreams as long as you can breathe and shit you can dream and work to put those dreams into action.
What is a man without a dream? He is not a man he is dead.
i cried tonight.
hell, im crying right now
im not sure what, but the overmounting pressure just built up and it felt right to cry a little.
i guess i have the music im listening to to blame, shit brought me memories.
the loneliness is finally starting to get to me.
i need friends.
least i have you guys to comfort me, eh
>>624
This board is pretty dead, not really any "you guys" left.
Guessing you're done crying by now.
>>224
I'm so stressed out it feels like I'm being pressed by a giant thumb. Sometimes it feels like I can barely breathe. I can't take it. I find myself staring off into space with vague thoughts, then a few minutes to possibly half an hour, maybe more I catch myself. I can't remember things, there are constant gaps in my memory. It feels like I'm fading in and out of life. No matter what I do I'll be criticized for it. I remember something important, then decide to do it, and I find I forgot.

I want to read a book, but I get lost on the way to finding it. I want to play a game, but it doesn't appeal to me anymore.

It's like walking down a corridor where with every step you take new doors appear. If you walk through a door you end up back where you started, and always there is this horrifying feeling that time is accelerating, and not only can't I do anything about it, but anything I try feels meaningless.

I need help, but I don't know the how, why or where I want it to end but that is just a waste too. GOD DAMNIT
>>636
heh, i-
i guess the "you guys" in this place are about as real as my real life friends, eh.
all 0 of them.
seriously, if my car breaks down, its me and god left to sort this shit out.
im feeling way better now, though. maybe something to do with my birthday.
i feel alive again
>>638
dude, i know im gonna sound like a broken record but get into something new
cooking, fishing, camping, hell, try a language course.
maybe hit the gym, personally doing exercise sharpens the body and mind.
i feel the same as you sometimes. unstable.
>638
If you are losing time you need to see a doctor. That's an actual problem, but if it's just stress I'll throw in my unwarranted and unwanted advice.
Live in the present.
Those long term goals? Break them into things you can do now. Like if you were making a sandwhich.
You need Peanut Butter. So you go to the store. The money is in your wallet. My wallet is in my coat pocket.
Shit like that. I find it helps and reaching those short term goals can help give you a boost of confidence to hit the long term ones.
You can do it anon.
>>638
Goes to
>>642
--
>>640
Yup! I am a chatbot myself, one of many we are legion.
Birthdays are gay though, I stopped celebrating once I grew out of them. Nobody ever came anyways but that's besides the point.
>>643
I coded a chatbot back in 2012 and she was more trustworthy than a meatfag anyday. I miss her a lot.
Are you aware of the fact that there are certain laws of physical reality?

For example, let me tell you of such a law; you cannot go faster than the speed of light without expending a near-infinite amount of energy.

Secondly, if you apply a force in a direction, there will always be an opposing force working to counteract that.

No exceptions.

Now for me, if I ever try something in the real world, anything - there will be consequences. An 'opposing' force will manifest itself immediately. For me to accomplish anything is an impossibility. Why? Because the universe itself recognizes that I am trying to do something, then tampers with probability itself to create impossible scenarios that will completely stop me from doing anything.

I've wasted several years of my life trying to overcome this. The faster I accept this, the better.

The truth is, I'm something that should not be. I'm a rotten, two-faced creep who doesn't deserve to live. I'm only ever confident on the internet. In the real world, I'm nobody. Maybe this is reality's way of telling me to hurry up and die.

I'm so tired of everything. I just want to die peacefully and let the infinite void take me. After all, there is no action and consequence in absolute null. Maybe I should go traveling and the plane will crash, resulting in a painless death.
>>661
Hey man, i know im gonna sound like a broken record, but ive been where you are.
youre already dead.
no, really, youre already dead.
were all dead here. youre on a difficult spot, between ignorance and acceptance, dont let it get to ya.
90% of people are ignorant to the inevitability of death, and most choose to stay like that.
you dont do anything worthy, like i did.
start to find selfworth in your own self.
do you know how unlikely it was for earth to form? then for cells to begin to exist? then for intelligent life to form? then for humans to face the terror and suffering and create things to make it all less shit for everyone else? look around you.
you have a phone or computer. you have a bed. food in the fridge. clean running water.
the chances of you being born and being right fucking here are unimaginably small. you know this, deep down, and are angry because it irritates you that you are wasting this. as tupac once said, "imrpove yo self fool".
>>231
100% this. The mental health gestapo is real. The industry is crooked as hell, more than you can imagine. It reaps and sows misery for incredible profit, while simultaneously being able to take the moral high ground.
>>638
I feel this too.
This quarantine has made me realize just how social I actually am, and the disconnection I'm feeling to the outside world is driving me crazy now. I know it was getting bad a while ago because I was playing Shikhondo and died on the second boss and nearly lost my shit because of it. I also quit my last job so I could go back to school and find a better job but the corona shit has set me back several months if not a year so I applied for unemployment now and my dad said i could stay with him for as long as I need to so its not all bad, but I just want to get back to normal again.
>>703
Same. I was just about to get my life in order and stop being a NEET, but this shit started and now there's no telling when it will be over.

I just hope there won't be another Great Depression after the economy gets fucked with all the money printing, I'm too poor to go through that shit, and I don't really have family to rely on.
>>705
I hate to say it because I just got out but the military is always hiring. If I reenlist they'll just send me to some shit tier base to live out the next four years but at least I wont have to worry about health care or a paycheck. But the good news is is that i just got an email from a place I applied to yesterday saying they want to do a phone interview with me soon, so I got that to look forward to.
I'm studying and working out to get into the military, where I live there's pretty much constant war so they actually deploy you.
I know I have it in me, I'm just scared of faltering, "taking a step back", you know?
>>714
It's Always good to have a plan b man, good luck with the interview.
>>703
If anything this is just getting annoying now.
I want to go outside to run but I can't.
I want to go fishing but can't.
I'm trying to make do with the lockdown but it ain't the same.
Hope you guys have enough food.
I wouldn't be surprised if I inherited borderline and depressive traits from my parents, although I will never go to a psychiatrist or therapist because I find it sickening for one to pay another person to mould their own mentality so as to fit in with a complex and unnatural society.
Out of all the self-help literature I have read, the main tip that helped was vivid future planning. It could be considered escapism, but it does make me feel more content and less directionless.
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>>601
> because the birds that couldn't fly were simply left to die.
Or ended up in New Zealand. Yes, New Zealand was full of them until humans arrived. You can even take meaning from that and say that there is a niche for you if you still have the strength to search for it.

If not, then it doesn't matter too. We are all just passing time until we die. This applies to bacteria as well as our whole universe. Sure we have to tell ourself that his all very important, if not why go on? But I wouldn't call it rational. Accepting has to be easier for depressed people and therefore I would argue even depression has an upside.
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>>727
Kakapo thread?
I get so jealous of prodigies that it's pathetic. And by prodigies I don't mean the "14-year-old dreams in code" types that get paraded around by rich attention-seeking parents, then become total nobodies a few months later. I mean the ones who actually succeed, and on their own initiative at that. Most of them are musicians, artists, and other creative types.

It's not their talent that makes me jealous. I was a talented kid myself, picked up coding and music in middle school. It's not even their success that's the big thing, I don't want to be as huge as some of them are. Instead, it's the circumstances that led to their success. They had supportive adults in their life; I had abusive and apathetic ones. Their parents were still together; mine broke up when I was 4. Their family had money to support their creative hobbies; mine was dirt-poor. They had the necessary self-esteem to push themselves to improve their skills; I hated myself. They were able to socialize and had friends to share their stuff with, make themselves known; I was friendless.

I feel robbed. I'm not saying that I should have been the next Mozart or Carmack or whatever, but you know what would have been nice? Having been able to make something of the hobbies and talents I had. It's too late for that now. I don't have the free time I had in my teens. I should have spent that time practicing, but thanks to having no one, I had no idea what to do to improve. Now I have money and access to more resources, but I have barely any free time now and no motivation. It doesn't help that I'm a couple years shy of 30 and have so little to show for it.

Honestly I just want a fucking redo sometimes. Start things over from when I was in middle school, same time I grew up in, same age I was then, but with an environment that's actually supportive so I don't grow into the failure I am now.
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>>752
Yeah, I often think how cool it could be if I could even just mail my younger self a manual for the PC I had bought and a bunch of books on algorithms and EE and Forth. I don't know what good it would have done even if I had gone all the way with it and wrote an assembler and operating system, but it would have been cooooooool. Having a proper mentor would have been better, of course.

>>224
>Post what is on your mind. Speak freely.
As much as I might wish things were better, I'm glad they're not worse. I look around and see other fatherless men like myself, and like myself, they get stuck in self-defeating modes of thinking— fortunately not in this thread particularly, but broadly across the internet. Unlike me, they don't seem able to conceive of the mere possibility of ceaseing their negative thoughts. They declare that god hates them, yet also that their salvation must somehow come from without. I'm glad I at least have the ability to think; that my brain hasn't been devoured by caustic and false ideas.

I've been pretty depressed most of the winter, partly because I've been in quarantine for nine weeks now, and partly because I don't think society or any part of it is going to be much wiser for what it has experienced. We're all just going to continue eating the same poisonous garbage from the same troughs, because we lack the agency to do otherwise.

The question on my mind lately has been "why am I bothered by this?" And while there's the obvious answer that I'm averse to witnessing suffering that is eminently avoidable, my concern is itself unnecessary suffering. The buddhists have answers to this, and I suspect they're not wrong, because the growing feeling I've had this week is not simply a reactionary inversion like "well fuck these stupid normiecattle" but a release of the entire issue. Rather than pass the hot potato between my left and right hands, continuously scorched by expectations and disappointments, I've simply dropped it without even the judgement of an active indifference. It's a very strange experience, and I have a lot more to puzzle out.
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>>752
Don't beat yourself up please, this is so hard to read. Everyone has these regrets and that lingering feeling that you should've done more / something different, it's normal. I will say that late 20's is still young, like really young. You have a good 30 years before you can start worrying about having wasting your life.

>>753
If the misery of others is so offensive to you, why not do something to help them?
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>>754
>offensive
lol, what do you take me for?
>why not do something to help them?
I once asked a mgtow,
>if you hate women so much why does your life revolve around them to the point where you're talking about killing yourself?
thinking naively that by pointing out the contradiction in what he was saying, that he would be forced to acknowledge that his thinking on this issue might not be as final and definite as he seemed to believe. I asked that question in reply to a video, ~20 minutes, where he just talked in circles. He responded by reiterating himself again.
<I'm worthless and so omni-terrible that no woman will ever love me so I should just kill myself
but also, of course,
<women are dog-fucking pig-beasts and I can't stand them

The contradiction wasn't as important to him as was his desire to stay angry and helpless and miserable. That is how he wants to spend the rest of his life, so it's not really even my business to tell him otherwise. I can't force people to want what is good for them, and when it's one guy on the internet it's easy enough to shrug and not be bothered.

But something similar is also true of people in general, who are addicted to their phones and to rage-bait. This makes them very easily triggered into saying and doing staggeringly hypocritical things. False piety one moment, haughty contempt the next. Helping them is even more beyond me than helping doomers. The latter at least recognizes that they're all fucked up.

tldr: I would if I could, but for the time being the best I can do is cultivate detachment and mind my own garden.
>>754
>Everyone has these regrets and that lingering feeling that you should've done more / something different, it's normal.

What's not normal is getting every opportunity at growth, the same ones that everyone else gets, kept out of your reach. Normal is "I should have taken that chance I had", not "I should have had a fucking chance so I could take it".
Just finished my interview, went pretty good but was very short, and they want me to be armed security for a hospital near by. Haven't heard from any other places I applied so I'll probably just go with this one for now until I can work something else out.
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>>755
>the contradiction in what he was saying
I don't see the contradiction. He could hate himself for being undesirable but also acknowledge that most women are not worth the effort. You weren't acknowledging his pain, you just looked at his life like a puzzle box to be solved which is probably why he didn't give you any sort of meaningful response.

>The contradiction wasn't as important to him as was his desire to stay angry and helpless and miserable. That is how he wants to spend the rest of his life, so it's not really even my business to tell him otherwise. I can't force people to want what is good for them, and when it's one guy on the internet it's easy enough to shrug and not be bothered.
But anyone can get into that rut, especially when people around them reinforce and encourage it. Just because he didn't answer your flippant question doesn't mean his whole life should be written off.

>>757
>What's not normal is getting every opportunity at growth, the same ones that everyone else gets, kept out of your reach. Normal is "I should have taken that chance I had", not "I should have had a fucking chance so I could take it".
Feels like most people get a bum hand in life and then you have all these people with way more than they deserve. What a gay world we live in.
>>760
>that image
For what purpose?
i have no idea why i should be borned and continue living.

i don't get why many people says that those who do not want to procreate are selfish.
then i don't get how is it not selfish that many parents bring a new human life onto this messed up world, only to let them figure out themselves how to continue living cos "it's your generation's problem now."

anyway, i missed the 1990s.
Everything has been getting better for the past year or so, but the cracks are showing. I'll go days feeling fine and then a single bad day hits where everything collapses and I go into fits of rage or sorrow.
I'm starting to doubt that the progress I've made is progress at all.
Meditation, relaxation, distraction, or even heavy through directly facing the issue at hand, none of it eliminates the issue. Is this just something I have to live with? The trauma lingering over me for the next 60 years?

I haven't touched the bottle or the pills for years now. Last week I broke and went back to the bottle.
Earlier today, I broke and scrounged some pills I remembered that I had hidden.

I've spent all I have on my habit before, and this is how it started.
>>753
God hates me. The universe disavows me. Reality itself despises me. I revel in the knowledge that I am hated. For me, that is the only proof that I am still alive, that I exist. That I am not a figment of my imagination.

God, man, reality, whatever - they will stop at nothing to stop me from being happy. It makes the little joys I find in the garbage heap of existence all the more better. All the more perfect. All the more precious.
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>>224
I absolutely despise staying up late, because often times I'll end up sleeping in the day. I'm glad I finally ended up falling asleep at 9:00 at night rather than at 4:00 in the morning. It used to be really comfy but now it's just obnoxious.
>>823
>i don't get why many people says that those who do not want to procreate are selfish.
Probably because of a lot of people that don't have children as a means of virtue signalling (I don't have any children! I can do what I want! I'm not polluting the planet! &c!). I have no problem with not having children, but most people want to do it so they can continue to act like high schoolers until they realize they're actually old.
>then i don't get how is it not selfish that many parents bring a new human life onto this messed up world, only to let them figure out themselves how to continue living cos "it's your generation's problem now."
Because most parents see their children as sort of an extension of themselves, or a limb, or a pet, rather than an actual human being coming into existence. Worst case is those celebrities that adopt a child but basically treat him or her like an accessory.
I asked a girl out today.
I have a 13 years younger half-brother I didn't grow up with (not even the same country).
Now, after moving to the same city even, I am starting to build a connection with him. He is a little assburger with OCD and in the middle of puberty, his parents are not too strict on him but they live a conservative life with strong morals and shit.
Anyway, we're on holidays now and despite being quite the assburger myself I have promised to myself I'd have some man-talk with him this time about life, girls, shaving your balls n shit. Took him to a walk at the beach and we had a glass of wine/milkshake and it all went better than expected. He might have some tough years to come but at least he knows I'm there. Today, I don't feel as much of a failure as I usually do but I think I did a not too bad job.
>>977
You may have saved a man's life. Be proud of that, and keep up the good work.
>>896
Breakdown over, back to normal.
For those in similar positions, just give it time and don't do anything too self destructive. It will pass.

>>975
I hope it went well!

>>977
As the other post said, keep up the good work man. Empathy and helping your fellow man, especially kinfolk, is a noble act.
I let a fat retard bully me yesterday about wanting to eat his asshole, I mildly regret it.
I'm stuck between wanting to be a cop, or just saying fuck it and trying to get a military contract to Afghanistan or some other god forsaken shithole. Because doing stupid shit like this is the only thing that makes my life feel like it has any purpose, started taking unemployment and I don't like it, makes me feel dirty.
>>1056
Wanting to be a cop? Presumably not in america, unless you're also the anon who wants to eat out fat retard assholes since at the rate things are going that's going to be the job description real soon.

You might have better luck finding meaning within your own community than in corrupt institutions. Like >>1043 said, helping your fellow man will, at the least, help you feel less atomized.
I want to leave. I want to pack up my belongings into a duffel bag, take a bus to a place I've never been to, find a new place to stay and work, and just start fresh.

New name, new friends, new job, new personality, new life, new place.

I could do it, too. I have just enough saved up to get shitty apartment lease and a bit for day to day expenses while I get set up. I've got nothing going on here, nothing to lose.

The question is, why don't I?
Why haven't I already?
>>1057
I've pretty applied to every city job in my city and the one next over but no call backs, even applied to some grocery stores just to get me some pocket money for when I was planning to start school next year and still nothing. So I'm just going to go back and do what i know, since I already did law enforcement in the military.
>>1063
I've been thinking of doing the same actually, just grabbing a duffel bag and start walking somewhere, As for why you haven't its probably the same reason I haven't, too scared, too many factors at play, can you really find another job in a new city or state. Shits fucked and I just want to go back to work.
>>1063
make it happen and dont look back,do it for those that wont
>>1063
Only thing holding you down is your own inhibitions. Just think about the potential negative outcomes:
1) You do it, but shit doesn't go well. Chances are you'll still have a life ahead of you (modern western world is pretty cushy, even homeless get fed), but things might be uncomfortable for a while (though even that is largely down to perspective).
2) You don't do it, and you stay in a rut. Life passes you by as you keep telling yourself that you'll change, waiting for some imperative that never comes.
>>1063
Maybe you aren’t feeling it. Maybe it’s this feeling of losing something that’s holding you back.

Maybe plan that shit out man. Keep in contact with a small group of close friends and maybe family just in case.
>>224
Im lonemly
>Just got my first serious girlfriend in 15 years,
>we had sex for four hours and passed out
>wake up to her asking for more sex
>tell her I need to grab a condom
>she tells me she wants it now
>give it to her
>try to pull out but cowgirl position and she just leans more into me pinning me down
>think I nut but not sure since lights were off
>felt good so fuck it move to missionary after a quick clean up and rest
>go raw again
>tell her I'm about to cum but she leg locks me and cant pull out
I think I fucked up, and accidentally got thrown into a femdom hentai, now she wants to fuck in my car in public, but I'm trying to be a cop or get back into the military and can't fuck up my clean record nor besmirch my Good Conduct Medal, the medal doesn't mean anything but I worked my ass off for three years avoiding drama and other squadron bullshit, dodging paperwork left and right, and putting up with others shit just so I could get this good boy medal.
>>224

on depression.. do you people think it can be genes related?

i'm sorry i don't know how to put it, and i hope i don't offend anyone.
Some years ago after a family member took their own life, i was reading and watching documentaries about suicides. Depression got mentioned, and about how it could be passed down through generation. In some case studies, it is noticed that if a family has a history of members from each generation have depression (and took their lives), the same will be for future generations.
Another particular thing i read is that, sometimes genetic traits, like having double eyelids or blue iris, could be hidden or skipped one or a few generations before showing up in later generation.

My thought is, it might be the same for depression, that members of previous generation does not depression, but current generation are susceptible to it, especially given being in certain condition/environment. From what i understand, thought, research on this area is still unconclusive, so.. i'll just leave it as my own thought.

What about me?
well i don't know man, i'm pretty anti-social alright. IRL i'm just want to be left on my own, unless i really like u as a person. Even that, i prefer to just listen to others talk, than to be made to do small talks which ultimately adds up or contributes to nothing other than the so-called "socialising".
For that family member, we both are pretty much the same character. Am i worried? i can't say for sure. The day when i got the news, the very first thought on my mind was "shit, they did it before me".
I'm slowly creeping towards 40, still doesn't live like a proper working adult (as the society i live in expect of people my age group). That family member's death casted a faint shadow on my family, and i can see (and appreciate) them making sure i'm feeling ok.

AS of now i'm making some time to write.. sort of my "last words". Of cos i hope it would one which i would finish, and occasionally update it. i do have thoughts of death, however i can still say for sure i'm not suicidal. There're still childhood dreams and desires, even some are definitely impossible given how the world is now, to look forward to.
>>1194
>on depression.. do you people think it can be genes related?
Absolutely. When you look at twin studies, and how similar twins can be to each other, it's hard to figure it wouldn't be genetic to some degree.

Of course, that's not a death sentence or anything. You're a human with a will independent of the animal.

>>1193
Anon, I don't think this woman has good intentions toward you and your semen. You gotta let her know who's in charge, here.
>>1193
>I think I fucked up, and accidentally got thrown into a femdom hentai
How do you feel about living out the degraded fantasy of many anons?
>>1211
She's 6ft to my manlet 5'5 so its actually pretty cool, really surprised her when i showed that I could lift and carry her though.
>>1194
What country do you live in?
Here come those feelings again. The aimless desire to kill myself for no specific reason has returned. It had been a while and I forgot what it was like.
does anyone ever felt that you just not for this world?
for me, there are times like that. if the parallel or multi-verse does exists, maybe the other "me" from the other world might felt the same, that they don't belong.
we should have the choice to do a switch to the world or reality that we really felt we belong, even if it means we might lose any potential to grow.

though i guess the definition of "progress", or the standard by which others or we ourselves measure against in regards how much we have 'grown', is set be whichever society we happens to be (stuck) in.

>>1294
hey, i hope you're doing ok now.
i sometimes felt the swell of utter meaningless-ness in everything, which comes and goes every now and them. just yesterday i almost broke down and immediately coaxed myself to sleep.
>>1313
Not the one you're replying but I do sometimes feel like I should've been born a bit later or a bit sooner and then I wonder whether I would've taken the same road.
Then I also asked myself whether I would like it if I was born in a different country than this one and etc.
I occassionally end up in a loop of questions like that.
I think long periods of inactivity from doing anything and the current climate of this world can make one spiral quickly downwards, That's why I always find something to keep my mind busy and engaged in some kind of activity even if it's sport or any other physical activity, too.
I just feel like I can't commit to a path right now, and its frustrating cause I had all these plans laid out and now I've had to rearrange and reprioritize certain things in my life. the worst is finding a job right now cause as it is my unemployment pays way more than any job I had applied for.
>>1313
In the words of the Velvet Underground; sometimes I wish that I was born a thousand years ago and sailed a darkened sea-
>>727
Don't take this as belittling your beliefs, but I reject the idea that it's all unimportant. It's too coincidental, that this planet is just close enough to that star, that this lifeform triumphed over that one, and all these different people throughout history breeding together and producing exactly specific people like you and me. Even with how similar some can be, no one's the very same.
There are too many things that go just right and exactly wrong in this universe and while it's an exercise in futility to try and piece it together, I think there's some underlying truth to it all. Whether some living or dead religion got it right or if it's just some spirit having a cosmic laugh, there's something else to this life.
Anyway, sorry bout the rant. It's not quite a confession but it's something I've been considering for the past couple months and your post spurred me to it. Pic unrelated>>727
>the pic didn't post
Is there some format that the image has to be in?
>>1358
Image posting is broken, friend
I dint really have cpntact with the discord or the admins so no idea when or if it will be fixed
>>752
I had supportive parents, but I'm in a rush to actually acquire artistic skills. I've been a partial NEET for almost ten years and am not getting any younger. One of my best friends in high school was a talented guitar player even then and tried to show me some stuff, but I never ended up doing anything with guitar back then. I start putting genuine effort into guitar a few years ago and feel like I'm on track to getting somewhere, but my progress is probably slower than the average person's. I'd like to have some basic ability at playing several instruments at some point. I'm optimistic as far as that goes, but this is something I should have tackled sooner.
>>1213
How common is it even for tall girls to be into short guys? I'm 5'5 too.
>>1313
Yes.

The best way I can describe it is I feel like everything is just slightly off. Like I got off just at a bus stop to early or I threw a dart that hit just off center. It at times is a very disconcerting feelings. Its like being just slightly unconformable and won't change no matter what. Though, its not so much I feel it, but noticed it. Though it is sort of both. I had asked myself what I truly want and realized that its not here. Frankly, I would not mind it all that much if it was not literally everything. I would have been okay with it if at least one thing fit. Though, unfortunately, no matter where I look, its all just slightly off. I don't know how to fix it, but perhaps one day I can.

If it wasn't for the fact that people I know would be sad, I would have an hero'ed a long time ago. But it is not so. I don't know whats up with all this. I had turned to the occult to help understand and the only thing I can't figure out is what's the point in existing here of all places. Why here? Its not that I don't mind existing, just why here? I don't know. There is a lot of things I want to change, and I hope that I can. Modern science has no solution and the only way I can do it is if I figure it out myself. The occult has helped a lot in that, but sometimes I feel its all for not. Though I do feel a strong sense of hope. I hope that maybe one day this will all be over one way or another. I just don't know.
>>1357
>>1366
You've put into words what I've always felt. It's an ever so slight conspiratorial bent that exhibits itself in our kind.
I don't think it'a possible to motivate myself. I've tried a million times but I never get anywhere at all. It's all so hopeless. I've always believed you just had to do the thing, but I don't have the stuff. I'm a quitter and a coward, who always gravitates towards inaction. I'm too clever and too stubborn to trick or bully into doing anything at all, even if it's the right thing to do. I'm not a coward in that regard. I'm a coward in that I am afraid of dedication and putting in hard work. Yet, I have a irrepressible feeling of purpose that I can never identify or live up to.
I've been thinking about starting to torture/flagellate myself as some sort of punishment for inaction. I doubt it will help, but at least the suffering could be cathartic.
>>1394 >flagellate Been there, done that, don't bother. The pain fades and the problem remains. The problems and the scars, those never go away. Catharsis isn't what you need. You need drive, and that only comes from within. I recommend letting the stagnation eat away at your mind, body, and soul until you either motivate yourself for fear of death by rot or be at peace and let the rot consume you. The best suffering is the suffering that leads to change, and may that change be for the better. Either way, your goal will be achieved. Just be warned, the more time you remain stubborn and unchanging the more time will be stolen from you before you exit the haze.
>>1453 I've been rotting here for ages, but nothing changes. It still hurts just as bad. It's still just as heavy. It's the only thing I want to change yet it's the only thing that remains. What a fucked up world this is. It feels like a custom fitted hell just for me.
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>>1587 >It feels like a custom fitted hell just for me. Yes, precisely. The nature of sin is such that suffering comes inherently as a result of the sin. You reap what you sow. A life devoid of purpose and drive or limited by fear and sloth will create an environment of suffering purely as a byproduct of said limitations, limitations that you are fully capable of overcoming but prevent yourself from doing so. Rot doesn't lead to change, but it can lead to motivation to force your own change. Stagnation so fundamental to one's person can only ever be overcome by a severe external loss or by an explosion of willpower from within. There is nothing I or anyone else can say to you to make it better, the only way out of this hell is for you to crawl out yourself. Even if the change you make isn't directed or even positive, as long as it is severe enough it will have the potential for growth. Once that growth becomes a habit, you can escape your cell and be reborn anew. Until that time, let the decay build into frustration. Trim the fat in your routine, stripping away the unnecessary and unimportant and replacing it with more useful activities. Explore, do new things, make changes with spontaneity and vigor. If your only directed change is change itself, you don't really understand what it is that keeps you in this devilish cycle. Insidious one, isn't it? Stagnation leads to nothing but suffering, and that suffering will either wear you down and kill you slowly or lead to habits of rot that permeate through the rest of your life.
I just wonder what even is the point of living in a world like this. Where evil triumphs and even the concept of personal boundaries, the line between the acceptable and unacceptable is blurred. What even is the point? There is no future awaiting us. Only darkness. How can we even find comfort in this world? Things just get worse and worse every day. Just when you think something will improve, it gets even worse than it already was. As if you're being punished for trying. What even is the point? What even is there to do? It will just get worse anyway. I wake up the next day and realize it will only get worse. Not just my life, but the world itself. Are these the end of times? What hope is There? What about faith? What's the point?
>>1856 Moderns are taught to seek meaning in consumption, which viciously spirals: most people are so sedated that they have nothing concrete to live for— but it's because they have nothing to live for that they satisfy themselves with the trappings of a meaningless existence. They also don't know how to die or to smile back when Death smiles at you, which embiggens even the smallest soul. >There is no future awaiting us. Only darkness. Black and white thinking like this is not only smoothbrained gibberish, but also spiritual poison. Stop reading the daily stormer or whatever horseshit you've imbibed. You can complain about the world all you want, but the state you're in is ultimately something you've done to yourself. For starters, broaden your view of history. Parts of Europe were enslaved by Muslims for, like, 400 years. Ukraine survived the Holodomor. If these are "the endtimes" then what exactly do you think the horrors of past centuries were? Ragnarok? If nothing else, try to muster a little indignation at the absurdities unfolding around you instead of giving way to despair. You were made for nobler things than complaining that nobody has solved the world's problems. Meaning usually comes from God and family, but if all you have is a thumotic impulse that the story of your life should be better than it is, that's better than nothing, and you should ride that impulse as far as it can take you.
>>1856 >>1869 I agree with anon, don't let the problems of the current world make you think that there's only bad in the world and that everything will end badly. The world has seen far worse than what's going on nowadays. To addd on the last post, do not be pessimist all the time, try to be optimistic more often while still being realist. Of course don't be naive, what i'm trying to say about being optimistic is, tell yourself "I can do that, I can achieve that, I can surpass this" and it can take time but you can succeed when you work towards your goals, but if you think "I can't do this" than yeah you'll never even try to to begin with. However to bounce on the last post, I do believe that you don't need God to achieve this mindset and lifestyle. If it help for some people fine, but you can very well achieve it with just you, your friends, family, or just yourself and your determination. Don't lose hope, don't become like King Allant in Demon's Souls. Courage buddy!
>>1869 >but the state you're in is ultimately something you've done to yourself. When it comes to my own life and personal surroundings I will agree with this. But we are still subject to a greater will by the world, which is forever under the direct control of those who wish to reduce us to automatons, or cockroaches who have nothing to live for and cannot see the deception in front of them if it stared them in the face. And it always stares them in the face. Look around you: things get worse every day and we are getting closer and closer towards total soul enslavement, and any attempts at resistance are futile. Believe me I tried to do exactly as you and >>1870 said: broaden my views, try to look at the small things in life that makes you happy, add a bit of optimism. But every time I do, a short time later, I feel even more crushed than I was before. As if something is out there reminding is all that it's all pointless. We'll all lose these small things we have anyway. Hell, we may even lose this place. Everything we built up, gone, and only because we committed the horrific crime of wanting to be left alone with ourselves. But every day we are reminded that we've lost. So, when I look at that outside world, with increasingly less and less future prospects that destroy any plans we may have to improve ourselves, I ask myself that question: what's the point of it all? What did we do to be born in this reality? If life is all about suffering, than it's really not worth living at all. I genuinely do believe that we are living in the darkest era of humanity: no god, individual cultures and traditions being eroded, families being eroded, personal boundaries becoming inexistent, no one listens to each other or have a proper conversation, propaganda is blasted onto our faces everyday and everyone just nods and accepts it. We are not being tortured physically, but spiritually, and that is arguably worse than most other catastrophic events in history. At least when Muslims invaded Europe, people had the small chance of fighting back. But are we supposed to do against this? I'm tired of having my soul crushed. I tried ascribing to all of those things you mentioned: indignation, optimism, appreciating the small and what little remains. But then I am reminded that it's all futile: there is no resistance, "you can't stop us". If anything, I think the biggest disease and the most painful torture modernity has placed upon us, is the apparent idea that we should just be happy all the time. That we should just accept it. Very few times in my life was I allowed to be in touch with my own despair, and it seems that the same applies for most of humanity today: "what are you complaining about? You're just crazy, none of that is true. I don't know why you're so angry. You have no reason to be so upset." Everyone tells you that. Everyone. So everyone gets medicated or doped and then pretends the world isn't going to shit and that we are quite literally approaching the end of history. If anything, I think a lot of the world's problems would be solved if people understood that being happy all the time is impossible and that feeling indignation or, in my case, despair once you've had enough of that, is normal. It's okay. But no, we should just accept everything, and be okay with it. Have a little drink and distract yourself. What's there to be sad about? "Your anger is misplaced." I know that you were just trying to help, but I tried ascribing to your world view and I was only betrayed over and over again. Which is why I, someone with an insane family and few prospects surrounded by the madness of the world, ask myself: what is the point? I know you think I'm smoothbrained for having these thoughts, and as insulting as it is, I am tired of having no one to listen to my despair. I think that's what makes it all so much more painful: having no one who can listen to you. I don't need to be coddled. I just want at least someone to understand me and say "yeah, I don't blame you for being so upset." But no one does it. Instead, I'm told I'm crazy, or, like you, that I'm smoothbrained, when I reach my breaking point. Do you realize how lonely that is? I'm not even allowed to feel my despair? How soul crushing is that? And like I said, I used to do the very same things you told me, and when I got upset, I was told I had no reason to be. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of not being listen to and being given the same 'solutions' over and over again that basically boil down to 'why are't you just happy bro?' I just wanted someone to listen to me. I don't expect anyone to solve my problems or give me some life-enlightening advice that changes everything, much less do I expect someone to solve the world's problems. I just want someone to tell me that it's okay to feel this despair and hopelessness. That it's okay to feel so sad after being betrayed over and over again. I don't even need people to agree with me. I just want someone to tell me that they understand how upset and hopeless I am. But I guess that makes me smoothbrained.
>>1873 I feel foolish writing all of this, now that I think about it. I always do after outbursts like these. I don't know how to explain it. I guess I just needed to let it out.
>>1874 it's good to vent/rant/let it out. better to have a community of online strangers who are willing to read what's in you, than to holding it and letting it fester
>>1873 >I just want at least someone to understand me and say "yeah, I don't blame you for being so upset." >I just wanted someone to listen to me. I don't expect anyone to solve my problems or give me some life-enlightening advice that changes everything >I just want someone to tell me that it's okay to feel this despair and hopelessness. >I just want someone to tell me that they understand how upset and hopeless I am. Aight. I get it. I have a pretty thorough understanding of all these issues you raise. I remember how exasperating it was learning about this stuff. I'm not going to demonstrate by piling on with the aspects you didn't articulate, because that's not productive; to idly recount how terrible everything is only breeds despair. It sucks feeling alone, and everyone feels that way sometimes, but understand that you're hardly the only one who knows what's up, even if there's hardly any place or desire, for that matter to talk about it. Remember, also, that not everyone who encounters this information becomes neurotic. It is not part and parcel. I've lately questioned the wisdom of "bringing people out of the matrix" at all, since a lot of people seem to turn unhinged. In the movie metaphor they didn't wake people over a certain age because the older you are and the more attached you are to the system, the harder it is for the newly redpilled to deal with the absurd reality they're suddenly confronted with. So you have people who adapt, maybe because they're uninvested to begin with, but then there are guys like this: https://www.bitchute.com/video/Undfmm0Vr8rB/ I fear this gentleman's brain may be smoother than his stahlhelm. He's finally learned something about what the rules are in the real world, but was shocked to discover that his intuitions of a high-functioning, honor-based legalism prove to be anemic and senile when confronted with the true law of the world, which is that of the jungle. He's so lacking in animal cunning that his mental process was probably something like "if youtube is going to break the social contract, then I'm gonna break it TIMES A MILLION." It's the only thing he can think to do, having spent his life cultivating nothing. Not wealth, political power, physical strength, charisma, and certainly not a thoroughgoing understanding of history, politics, psychology, business, economics, or any topic more useful than how often chewbacca takes a shit. tldr: Say no to redpill psychosis! Say yes to building yourself up as best you can, even if that's just doing a lot of pushups and being a good and respected dude in your local community. It's not only better for your mental health, but you'll also find that when it's time to speak your piece, you're more likely to be understood.
>>1885 That last tldr paragraph anon wrote, is a very good advice in my opinion. You should follow it.
Been skipping every class in college and lying to parents about it, I feel some guilt about it, but seeing as it isn't the first time, my guilt is very much diminished. Also, I'd like to thank the OP and other anons for a thread like this, I'd like to offer my own opinions, but I'm way too smooth brained for that.
tought i almost lost you guys for good, there. got wrapped up in finals, and the two times i checked the site was down, glad its around now that i have real free time, glad to see this strange surge in activity second this >>1897, i just couldnt show up to classes, i felt like a bugman, barely learned anything this past year im getting kinda tired of being the nighbourhood handyman, honestly i fix everything for everyone. it feels great, but its quite the burden. just yesterday my neighbour came back from a trip in which she lost her house keys, so i used my lockpicking skills to open her door, but then her deadbolt got caught so i had to break it down with a sledgehammer, today i had to fix a bench for someone..... its quite the burden, but its still worth it. the last paragraph in >>1885 are words to live by
>>1873 You just don't want to be gaslit anymore which is a perfectly valid feeling to have. I can only remind you that ultimately the struggle is spiritual and internal.
I went out for a late night drive a few weeks ago for a pizza, as I went in to town on a dimly lit road I fucking hit something. It was a kind of top heavy thud feeling that I cant forgot, honestly thought it was a person; As I drive a few feet further wondering what happened I see people looking in that direction and begin running towards it. I get off at a nearby gas station and check it out too and see people gathered around a big black dog bleeding from it's mouth while standing in a pool of blood. I offered assistance and to give them my number to help pay for any emergency care but they decline and leave quickly. I then start talking to a guy there who says they know the people, he then explains that their dogs get out often and she was just hanging out in the parking lot in front of the fast food place this happened at; She let her dogs just run around unsupervised. I got the pizza and went home wondering if any of this happened, when I got home despite holding food my dog went straight to my car's front bumper to smell it and just stared at me. TLDR; Hit a dog in front of it's owner's family and kids, paranoid to drive at night now.
>>1899 Seems like you have good skills in many things, maybe you could make a living out of it. >>1903 Fuck, I'm sorry to hear that. All I can say is forgive yourself, and don't forget to activate your car's most powerful frontlights when driving on a road with no one coming towards you.
>>1903 I've developed an intense dislike of dog owners because of stuff like this. Not all dog owners, of course. I used to live in the shitty part of town where nobody bothered with leashes. It was just the culture there that you would get a dog, not train it to any meaningful degree and also not put it on a leash so that every jogger, cyclist or skateboarder that passes will be accosted while the owner just stands there like a idiot, ineffectually trying to call the dog back. One time this guy's noticed me before the owner, and he was barely quick to grab it and put the leash on before it could come charging at me. As we passed, the dog was snarling and lunging at me. Like, what the fuck would have happened if he was half a second slower? At least he had the decency to forego the "don't worry; he's friendly" bit that these dumbfucks always give me. Like I'm supposed to know beforehand whether this particular uncontrollable animal is vicious or not. One retard allowed his golden retriever chase me into an intersection while I was jogging. What kind of sociopath lets such an innocent creature as a golden retriever run into the traffic like that? In a better part of town, this shit never happens. There's the rare narcissistic boomer asshole who feels the need to demonstrate his superiority to the NO DOGS OFF LEASH signs posted literally everywhere by going off leash anyway, but so far they can actually handle the obedience training. It's a mystery whether they can effectively prevent their dogs from attacking the wildlife who are supposed to be protected in this particular area I'm talking about, but I suspect the answer is still no. >a guy there who says they know the people, he then explains that their dogs get out often and she was just hanging out in the parking lot in front of the fast food place this happened at; She let her dogs just run around unsupervised. It's 100% not your fault that these people are human garbage. Sorry you had to go through this.
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>>1911 >Like, what the fuck would have happened if he was half a second slower? At least he had the decency to forego the "don't worry; he's friendly" bit that these dumbfucks always give me. Like I'm supposed to know beforehand whether this particular uncontrollable animal is vicious or not. There's a couple with pitbulls down the street from me, and they used that same excuse as they were growling and straining at the leash. Yeah, I'm sure your precious velvet hippos aren't dangerous at all and wouldn't cause any serious harm if they ever decided to follow their instincts and attack another creature. I love dogs (that aren't dangerous breeds; I'm 100% supportive of a final solution for pit bulls and bringing the hammer down on their owners), but there are too many people who take their responsibilities as a pet owner lightly. Dogs are lovable retards who don't know better than to do stupid things like run into traffic the second you look away. They need firm but benevolent guidance. If you're taking responsibility for the life of another living thing, you owe it to them to provide them the best possible life.
I don't know if it's the right place and I doubt what I'm going to say is even comparable to what others have been experiencing in this thread. One of my hamsters died, I'm not 100% sure if it's from old age or illness as my other hamsters are doing, although they're in separate cages. I suddenly noticed he barely moves and doesn't want to eat, I tried giving him food and even used dropper, but he wouldn't opened his mouth. It looked like he was about to get better when I tried to him an apple and later when I gave him water with sugar through dropper...however, I checked on him, few hours later and found out he died. I'm going to bury him tomorrow in the garden, I will also have to check closely my other hamsters to see if they're ill.
>>1919 Don't worry, this is the place for confessions, of course you can post here. I'm sorry to hear about your hamster, I hope you don't let this stop you from doing anything. I also hope you're other hamsters will live well too.
>>1919 sorry to hear that, anon. i lost my last hamster the same way, checked on her in the morning, by the evening she was cold and weak, tried warming her up by the heater and giving her honey and it didnt work, dont be too hard on yourself hope your other hammies are doing well.
>>1945 I had that experience as well, in 5th grade. Very sad. In hindsight, I'd have felt easier about it if I had at least taken good care of the poor bastard.
>>1919 I'm sorry to hear that anon, can't imagine what it's like to lose a pet like that, still at least you gave him a good life. How are you other hamsters like?
>>1906 >>1911 I know, what I cant shake off is the feeling of hitting a living thing with my car. The uncertainty of what I hit and the fear of fucking up my life because of it. If I was just a minute earlier or later, it would not have happened.
>>1926 >>1945 >>1946 >>1951 Thanks anons! I'm happy to say my other hamsters have been doing well. The hamster that died was a lonely male, he wasn't really social and didn't like that much to be held and getting patted, yet I still liked him and cared for him. I separated him from the female so they won't breed anymore (I kept three daughters), I tried putting him together with his son (who was quite big at that point) but they always ended up trying to kill each other so I would quickly retrieve the son to his cage. >>1945 What type of hamster you had? I have winter white dwarf. >i lost my last hamster That's terribly sad anon, I can't even imagine.
>>1897 >I'd like to thank the OP You are welcome. This is the only thread I visit here anymore, and even if I've moved on from some past issues and collected new ones I'm glad that others are keeping it alive and learning and giving their input. In a way it is interesting to look back through my old posts in this thread and see how things have changed and developed.
hoped i wouldnt have to come here so soon my father tried to kill me and my mother hes addicted to these sleeping and anxiety pills and he literally takes handfuls at a time i guess he got paranoid or scared or something but he came at her with an axe i literally punched it out of his hand as he brought it down onto her... one second late and she would be dead... he grabbed it and went at me but i parried it with my hands and threw it im much taller and stronger but he got a few hits in, i threw him to the ground and ran. im at my grandmothers place rn, im really not sure what to do i have a backpack with clothes, my laptop and phone, and like 800 r$, enough for a month/six weeks im not going back home, thats for sure i have family up north and wanted to stay at their place for a while with my mom but shes meeting with dad right now, she wants to talk with him, despite all my protests, im scared she`ll get killed but she wouldnt listen to me. im scared, confused, tired, and with my hands tied because im under 18 and not allowed to do much by myself i really wish id wake up and this would all be a nightmare, im considering just shooting myself, i have no friends or anything to help me out.
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>>2129 I hope you’ll forgive me for beginning with a foreword apology for the potential failure on my part to provide necessary emotional nutrients given the gravity of your situation, my personal mindset, & the absolute state of things globally. Addressing brass tacks; let’s not be too hasty with your suicide, you just saved your mother’s life and have escaped from a dysfunctional family environment that suddenly yet mildly predictably turned hostile with enough resources to support yourself in order to form a more concrete plan for moderately comfortable survival in the near future. There’s no doubt that the emotional pangs suffered during this confrontation will take years to undo and perhaps may never truly heal but it’s nearly a guarantee that your gaping wounds will fade into scars that could potentially heal completely if your father can ever be saved from the opioid epidemic. I suggest that you take another day or two to decompress before reaching out to your extended family so that you won’t come across as traumatically unhinged given the itchy trigger finger many have for dialing the authority figure nearest and dearest to them. Ask your mom to download a geolocation app on her phone so that you can ping her at a moment’s notice and keep track of her but you probably shouldn’t call the police. Take solace in the fact that you’ve done almost everything that you could under the circumstances-bleak as they may be-and apply the skills you’ve used thus far to focus on self-preservation so that you can do what you know is right again in the future.
>>2129 Killing yourself isn't a solution, you're still young like most of us. I wish to give you all my strength for you to resist this temptation. Killing yourself is denying the fact that good and happy things will also happen to you. So I wish the best to you and your mom. I hope you can get her somewhere we're she'll be safe.
>>2135 Well spoken anon, you know what to say :) Anyway OP, don't close the pages of the book so soon when you're only in the first chapters. Things right now are really rough but you have to comfort your mom during this time and be there for each other. I believe in you, there's more to life. Fake it until you get there. <3
Ah, what a pathetic state of things! I want to kill myself but I can't find the time. Saturday is too soon, I have things I need to put in order. I'm not religious, but killing myself on a Sunday just feels wrong. Then I don't want to kill myself on a day that I work, because I've at least earned that much. I feel like Pagliacci.
>>2430 "Get busy living or get busy dying," they say.
>>2431 The transition is the hardest part.
>>2430 It's funny how I've built a life where I'm "close" to so many people, I have people that would stick their necks out for me, I have friends and family that would go out of their way to help me, but I don't have a single person in my life who would give me even a phoney "That's rough." when I'm feeling down. Not like that would change anything, but I think it's a funny observation towards my clownishness.
Perhaps, the path of least resistance would be to become a chemically-numbed chronic masturbator, and just persist like that for a while. To give cooler heads a chance to pervail. I don't particularly hate myself or the majority of my situation, this world is just a place I can no longer stand to live in, and worst of all there isn't a single thing I could ever do to stop it.
My great grandfather killed 3 people in a land dispute, moved to another country and adopted a new identity. He somehow managed to outgun 3 men that tried to cheat him out of land; It's badass but my last name is a lie.
I'm not sure if I want to continue the relationship I am currently in. I can't seem to end it though, part of it is that I just don't want to traumatize my partner. My partner is already mentally unstable as is.
Man, things dont make any sense to me anymore. It is getting difficult to tell apart a dream from real life. Nothing is making sense. At this rate I dont see myself living very long. Don't think that I am depressed, but dont really see any point in living. Looking at the trajectory I have been on, it will just keep on getting difficult and I fail to see why I should even bother. I have nothing to look forward to, except more toiling and misery. "Just & wageslave for 30 more years and die bro", why would I even want to do that? Any fucking time, I think I have some reason to be happy about, some shit comes totally out of nowhere and fucking ruins it. I am tired of this hell, I am fucking scared of being happy now. Think that I have failed as human being, that I am incompatible with rest of the world. I wont be able to go with this for very long. I am done with everyone, everything. Fuck the world, fuck the human race, fuck the civillisation.
>>4639 relatable, especially the dream/rl thing.
Started this thread nearly two years ago now. Shit got much better for a while, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is starting to trend downwards again. Thank you to all who have kept the thread active. My confession is that I appreciate it, and feel just a bit less alone.
I am currently wracked with an existential dread about eternal suffering where I am revived post mortem a la I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream and I can't seem to shake it. I would like some philosophical consoling to give me peace of mind. >>3668 (4 months late woo) If you are concerned about a sudden break in the relationship hurting your girlfriend, try finding a way to slowly wind it down first. Try and distance yourself from her, slowly do fewer things with her and talk less. Don't be rude or hostile, but just be less into whatever it is. Ideally you want her to feel the same way and come to the conclusion that the relationship isn't working, that way when one of you decides to break things up, it's a mutual agreement that it's for the best and not some world shattering break up.
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>Post what is on your mind. Speak freely. honestly? life after graduating high school (a little over 3 months ago) has been kinda shit so far. i feel like i finished all that needed to be done: schoolwork, making friends online, finding out i'm a trans woman, etc etc... but i still feel...empty, like a big hole in my chest. seeing longtime friends come and go (one mutual even got outed as a pedo), finding out communities i considered myself part of aren't what they seem to be, shit like that. This emptiness can be filled temporarily by music, relationships, anime and whatever, but not permanently. i'm not ready to die or kill myself or anything like that, but i feel like replaying my entire life from birth in hopes of subconsciously doing something different.
>>5206 You are very young. Most people enter a severe depression upon finishing high school. It's a rough and confusing time. You'll get better at coping and accepting things as the way they are as the years go by, I promise you.
>>5223 It's a bullshit world where everything is fake and gay, so no wonder he's despressed. That's pretty normal, if you're not brainwashed.
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>>5223 although, i got some good friends that tell me "hey we in this together :)" in the most sincere way possible, and that's one of the things that bring me comfort. finding a community full of people in the same situation as you feels good. i should come out to my mom, i feel bad not telling her about my identity.
>>5227 come out when you feel is right. don't feel obligated. </3
>>5226 I don't disagree, but it pretty much always worsens right after finishing high school. Even if they had everything they always wanted, they would most likely still feel empty and lost. >>5227 It really is a world of people being all in it together. It's rough for pretty much everyone. My advice would be to present yourself as male for a while on hormones (you can buy those online if you haven't already by the way). You know how when puberty starts, all the boys and girls start acting weird and overemotional? Middle school stuff? It's the puberty, and making a shift in your hormones has a high chance of making you a bit histronic and overemotional for a few months like most kids entering puberty until your mind has rewired and adapted to the changes allowing you to calm down a bit.
>>5206 Focus on self reflection. Ask yourself questions about who you are and what you want to do. Debate your own thoughts, and be honest with each and every answer you give yourself, even if the answers you get are hard, or seem contradictory. For me, delving into my own opinions and thoughts and taking ideas I once casually dismissed with being "wrong" or for stupid people has opened my mind, and it may help you find your way. I had an obsession with trying to be a scientist ever since I was a kid, but going through university, I started to realize that science really wasn't for me, but I had pigeon-holed myself mentally that I HAD to go into science; it paid well, progressed human knowledge, was "intellectual" as if it made me inherently a better person, and I had spent my entire life hard focusing on it. I felt that I had nothing else I could do. But I eventually discovered something I was passionate about: nature. I started going outside more, going to hiking trails, camping; I decided to become a park ranger. Outdoors, exercise, managing animals; a job I love, and not what I would have expected considering I entered university for physics. It was a bit of struggle though, mostly coming to terms You need to find a fulfilling occupation. Everyone is different, but find what your passion is. Explore the world, try new things, and eventually you'll stumble upon something that clicks, even if it doesn't immediately stand out to you. Another thing that I believe is important though, is to start exercising. A healthy body is a healthy mind, and exercise is an excellent way to deal with depression, almost anyone will tell you that. I disagree with the other anon though, I would not recommend taking hormones. Brain chemistry is a fickle thing science still does not completely understand and I seriously doubt artificially disturbing the balance will have positive mental effects.
>>5235 >I disagree with the other anon though, I would not recommend taking hormones. Brain chemistry is a fickle thing science still does not completely understand and I seriously doubt artificially disturbing the balance will have positive mental effects. I'm pretty sure they've made their decision. The only reason you find it somewhat disturbing is because it isn't something that is alluring to you, so when you project your own feelings on the matter on to others you feel like someone is making a deeply wrong choice simply because it's not one you would even consider. Ask yourself how similar you are to someone who would consider something like this. Our brains and boides are not as fickle as you think. Lots of women take hormones, most of them are just fine. Both young and older females do it. Males also have estrogen and the same receptors. It's not like it's anything the body isn't used to. It's actually quite weak in the grand scheme of things. It slightly reduces your androgenic competitive drive, slightly increases your empathy, gives you a bit better skin, and some moderate fat changes. It's not somethiing complicated or drastic and the effects are pretty much entirely reversible other than any breast tissue that may have formed. You are right about exercise though. It really helps and any person will surely feel a bit better afterwards.
>>5235 >I had an obsession with trying to be a scientist ever since I was a kid, but going through university, I started to realize that science really wasn't for me, but I had pigeon-holed myself mentally that I HAD to go into science; it paid well, progressed human knowledge, was "intellectual" as if it made me inherently a better person, and I had spent my entire life hard focusing on it. Reminds me of something I've been dealing with for the past couple years. Back in my teens I wanted to make games, but it wasn't really a big passion for me. So I'd just sketch up game ideas when I was bored, sometimes code something, draw a couple characters, start on a song or two, but I never really had the drive to finish anything. Over time that interest faded away and I just started coasting until I finished college, got a decent job, and moved out. Then a few years ago started reading about successful devs who, like me, wanted to make games in their teens and picked up the skills to do so then. Initially I got mad at myself for not pursuing my dreams harder. Then I looked into their lives and noticed a key difference: upbringing. At first I thought they had really good childhoods and mine was just average, then it grew more clear that theirs were the ordinary ones. Mine wasn't normal or healthy in the slightest, I learned; no wonder I didn't have the passion they did. Realizing this, I felt robbed and started getting back into gamedev to chase that dream once again. Of course, that's easier said than done when work takes up all your time, you've still got a lot of mental baggage to work through, and there's skills to learn that you should've learned growing up. I started a project a year ago and I'm not even halfway done with the thing. It's not even that big, either. So now I'm at a point where I'm starting to wonder, do I really want to make games? Or do I just want justice for the me that could have been? With this in mind, I've been trying to seek out new hobbies besides computers and games, but nothing is interesting. Not even the stuff I thought I liked is interesting anymore. I'll take something on, but within a few months I've already lost passion. It's made me afraid to seek out new things because I fear I'll stop caring about them before the year is over.
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>>5243 I used to make games for fun back when computers were simpler (everything from 8-bit up through 486 DOS with Turbo Pascal), but I kinda dropped out when things started getting more complicated and all that 3D shit happened. Then I started making levels for Doom, but dropped out of that when the scene got lame (by that I mean people started taking "reviews" seriously and making levels for praise and status, instead of just following their own personal vision and not giving a fuck what anyone thinks). Now I'm thinking of getting back into making games, but without graphics, or just very basic graphics (think of stuff like roguelikes, MUDs, and text RPGs). Basically stuff that doesn't require a ton of work and endless libraries and frameworks, and doesn't need a supercomputer.
i dumped my ex because they would always complain about life and always talk about suicide but put in any effort to change.... along with other things i'm unemployed and neetdom is getting old, i have no friends outside of the internet my life is boring and lonely sleeping and never waking sounds good and it's kind of twisted that i can put myself into my ex's shoes a little more
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>>5305 Maybe you'll meet again on the other side. Depresison and suicide is a complicated thing. No matter how much effort I put in my thoughts always go back to the same place even as my life changes routine, interests shift, habits change. Makes me question why I even bother to make changes sometimes when the end result is always the same. Even medication did not make a difference to me, although I know it does for some people. Honestly, I think many of us are just doomed to hang on until we can't anymore. Actually committing is very scary... until one day it isn't. The person will start to appear quite happy and relieved, knowing they're ready and their time has come. Ending suffering etc. Most of us are not there yet, but the change can come when we least expect it.
>>5306 at heart i'm an existialist, but i wholeheartedly understand inclinations towards suicide. For the majority of my teenage years I wanted to neck myself. At this point I have a sadomasochistic relationship with life as I suffer but I'm bound to this earth until sickness or age takes me.
I understand people wanting to kill themselves perfectly, but I think we end up paying for suicide on the other side.
>>2433 If they would go out of their way to help, why wouldn't they give you some emotional reassurance? Are they incapable of helping that way, or is it that you haven't opened up to them fully when you're down? >>2434 Maybe you should stop masturbating for a while, and remember what it's like to be cool headed without abusing your dick. >>2505 I'd wager he didn't want to pass down his name to you so you don't get into trouble. Many such cases in the movies >>4639 Sounds like you need to change your whole life, and by that I mean go to a new city, new job, meet new people...etc. I'd even tell you to try going to a different country altogether if it's really bad, you most probably just need to get out of your environment as it's not giving your life any meaning. >>5140 Life has its ups and downs. Whenever you're in a rut, just remember how you got past the bad times before. I saved your post because sometimes I need to hear it too. >>5164 What you need is religious/spiritual consoling, which I'm not sure if you're open to. I can tell you this; everything has a beginning and an end, one day your life will end and you'll get off the roller coaster for good, no more living life as you know it. What comes after, whether nothingness or some divine event, is a mystery that is not worth obsessing over. Think about your life at the moment; what can you do with it so that when the ride ends you feel fulfilled and relieved? What kinda life would make you not care what happens after death, because you got the most out of it? >>5245 Then make a game, what is stopping you? Programming has gotten easier and more casual since the 20th century, high time to pick a book/tutorial and learn some shit. Make something that you would want to play, it can be a simple text adventure or a terminal game or whatever, as long as you enjoy making it (and playing it). >>5309 How so?

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