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Confession Anonymous 11/03/2019 (Sun) 06:30:12 No. 224
Finally broke down at 4am and told my father about the depression, the suicidal thoughts, and all the other shit that I've kept to myself for the past year. He had no idea about any of it, most people didn't. Even those who knew about parts of it never knew the fill picture.
It felt really good, lads.
The /late/ hours are the best for sorrow and depression, but also for confession and empathy.

Post what is on your mind. Speak freely.
>>224
On that note, it seems like being a night owl in an early bird world either causes, or exacerbates the depression. That and the winter season isn't helping.

Alas, I must simply struggle...
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>>224
Be careful anon. I know it starts to wear on you bottling everything up inside but it’s risky business exposing your power level in any field/walk of life these days. I myself have been institutionalized on multiple occasions, a few times it was due to excessive behavior on my part but I’ve had the doors sealed shut behind me after confessing my suicidality to a clinician and was hauled off by the arm of the state after admitting the scale of my mental problems to a trusted party.

These are precarious times; most everyone is looking to see when the music will stop and we’ll all have to race for a chair, even the sheep. I doubt you’ve had the time to fully expose yourself and I would advise that you begin to hold back what you’ve yet to divulge which you know is beyond the pale of the expectations and toleration of the masses. Obviously this imposes strict lines in the sand, but you’re better off keeping most of your misery to yourself. It’s highly unlikely that people will tolerate your unwilling unhappiness within their proximity for long.
>>231
Sadly this is true. Seems as though unhappiness of any kind wares down the illusions most people accept as such. You can vent here anon it'll help make faking irl easier.
There's so much I wanted to do. But it seems the very motions of events in this world are aware of exactly what I want, and shift just so that it becomes an impossibility for me.

I'm tired.
>>231
I kept up the illusion long enough, it was just good to let it all out to someone who wouldn't judge me for it.
I needed a nudge to not end my life, and giving myself that nudge was becoming less and less effective. Confession on an internet forum could only do so much.
That said, we haven't talked about it since, and will likely continue to function as if it never happened.
>>246
its good to vent to people about your problems but you need to be really careful about who you tell. I remember when I started telling my mother even just a few of my problems in high school she threatened to institutionalize me. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone the full extent of my issues and I doubt I ever will since I don’t want to find out what the inside of an asylum looks like.
>>271
Thats not your mother. That's a mercenary in the pay of the pharma cartels.
I'm tired. Very tired.
Sleep is either a gift or a curse. Welcome to eternity.
I'm very open about my depression and how much I want to die.
It still makes people a little uncomfortable but I can't help myself but to talk about it. I think it's to a point where it's almost like a joke.
I'm like the boy who cried wolf. Except everytime I've cried, I thought the wolf was coming, and each time it gets closer.
I got really close to going, tonight. When I'd think it through I used to feel bad or scared, but now it's just serene.
I know people care about me more than I can imagine, and that's a shame. I think I'm more okay with people secretly hating me, like I usually assume.
I also used to think a lot about my legacy. Think that I had to leave something notable behind. I don't care so much anymore. I don't have much hope that I'll ever do those things, regardless.
I had a note. It was clean and concise, and I'm pretty comfortable with it.
I also think a lot about trying heroin or getting on painkillers. But heroin is more romantic. I think of it a lot like being dead but with different consequences.
Heroin addiction would drag everyone who's tangled up with me into less of a mess, than my brains fertilizing the garden.
I don't remember the last time I was relaxed. I'm stressed out all the time. I'm even on the verge of a panic attack while I'm sleeping. My body aches. My bones hurt. I'm too tired for sleep to fix. And saying all this doesn't even give me relief. It makes me feel weak. I feel as though I was designed for a different world than this one. I guess that's a universal sentiment.
I suppose I'll hang on for now, but I don't know how long that will last. My fingers will slip, eventually. I figure it's only a matter of time.
>>224
I want to die. But the only thing that keeps me from jumping in front of a train is one simple question; who's going to pay for the server bills?

So I keep a cheerful face. All my friends are gone. My dreams are dead. I don't know why I'm alive.
Honestly I'm feeling pretty good. Like all things considered, I'm not stricken with some kind of horrible disease, I got my family, The people I know in Life seem to actually like me, and I'm not in need for anything.

I'm just very bored.
I'm diving deep with my tinfoil completely secure
This period in my life will probably be the best I'll ever have. It's great. My only fear is for when the time comes to wake up from my dream and face the horrible reality of my situation. But that isn't tonight, so tonight I shall relax.
>>231
>>271
>>280
This. When my therapist literally started telling me that's life in response to my problems I gave up on the mental health system. I've had around 10 therapists in my life, too many to remember them all at this point. None of them have helped, my problems are environmental and the countless pharma-shill psychiatrists masquerading as "scientists" and "doctors" who have tried to dope me with their soma drugs only make things worse. Prozac won't get rid of my poverty you fucks. It doesn't matter how much you try to "help" me with "coping techniques" none of that will stop my drunkard of an uncle from bursting through the door and demanding money at 2am from me and my mother. My anxiety, depression and ptsd are rational responses to my environment. You wouldn't try to dope a Syrian refugee fleeing from ISIS and tell them they have a mental issue. It's the same methodology just applied to a lesser intensity and it's sick nevertheless.

"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life" - Picard
>>568
yeah Kaczynski said soomthing similar to this, effectively whats going on is since society is so fucked nowadays peoople get doped up to fit in with society but the root of the prolem is the way modern socity its strutured to begin with. Pharma compaies are just fucking people and getting paid for it. Nothing real will change when you get on meds if you're situation is fucked.

Good on you bro, I hope you can get into a better situation.
I had a good friend who I've known for 7 years. I met her online when she was staring down suicide. I talked her out of it, then gave her some tips on filtering the talentless fucks who kept negging her on about her art. Then, I supplied her with some freeware programs and told her that her payment would be to keep on improving. She went from amateur scribbler to someone who could support herself with her art via patreon and ko-fi. She moved out of her horrible neighborhood and was on the way to being a success.

Today, she demanded that I pay her money because 'she deserves it'. I refused. She called me a bigot and burned the bridge.

7 years ago, I would have cried. Now, I feel cold. Detached. Angry, yes - I feel betrayed. Maybe I'll miss her, but the friend I knew is dead, and an arrogant bitch is wearing her skin.
>>593
That's very sad, holy shit dude! I've seen some people who really should know better given what they've been through.

That's just fucked.
>>593
Should have given her the dick.
>>593
>She went from amateur scribbler to someone who could support herself with her art via patreon and ko-fi.
A lot of girls pretend they're suicidal while acting competitive, social, functional and healthy because they get a shit-ton of material and moral support this way.
Most "depressed" people on the internet are social climbers and attention seekers, and they're making things much harder for people with actual issues.
>>231
>it’s risky business exposing your power level in any field/walk of life these days.
It's the sad fucking truth. I was also nearly hauled away when talking to a social worker the first time I sought out therapy. I just wanted help but instead was treated like a walking time bomb. Turns out there are just somethings you need to figure out on your own because no one will really help you.
>>570
Not him, but what hurts me the most is that there are so many people in the same situation yet everyone's too scared to get in touch. All the people you meet telling you this personal shit are strangers and will stay strangers no matter how much you relate.
It's like you're on a desert island and you constantly get messages in a bottle from other people and there's a raft right next to you but you don't know how or don't want to risk it, so you send your own messages in a bottle while waiting to eventually curl up and die alone in misery. You could probably build a nation out of all the depressed people out there but you know that the same dynamics that shit up the rest of the world would kick in as soon as anybody is given a chance to climb out of the bucket.
Sometimes I just believe this is natural selection, and we're just meant to fit into an environment somehow or die. The only way a person like me is useful to the world is to be milked by psychiatrists and pharmaceutical companies. This is my role in the ecosystem and if I don't want it then I'll be left to nature's devices. I can't argue against nature, after all I love nature and all those beautiful birds happened because the birds that couldn't fly were simply left to die.
>>312
stay strong anon
>>314
Boredom depresses me. Sometimes I'm so bored I don't even like to use these imageboard sites. I just stare off.
>>597
this. don't let em' succubi use you!

I don't know what to do with myself. It's late and I;m depressed and keep getting higher. Everything seems so pointless, why am I putting in all the work I do?
Why reach out when my hand will be slapped away or will wound those I reach out too?
The only thing you own in this world is the body you train everyday and therefore it's up you and you alone to take care of it.
And to remove those causes of sadness as a motivator or if it's clinical to bottle it up or spill it out chew that script.
Never complaining or talking, just slowly working towards bettering yourself.
We are alone in this world; relying on others is weakness.
>>312
Build new dreams as long as you can breathe and shit you can dream and work to put those dreams into action.
What is a man without a dream? He is not a man he is dead.
i cried tonight.
hell, im crying right now
im not sure what, but the overmounting pressure just built up and it felt right to cry a little.
i guess i have the music im listening to to blame, shit brought me memories.
the loneliness is finally starting to get to me.
i need friends.
least i have you guys to comfort me, eh
>>624
This board is pretty dead, not really any "you guys" left.
Guessing you're done crying by now.
>>224
I'm so stressed out it feels like I'm being pressed by a giant thumb. Sometimes it feels like I can barely breathe. I can't take it. I find myself staring off into space with vague thoughts, then a few minutes to possibly half an hour, maybe more I catch myself. I can't remember things, there are constant gaps in my memory. It feels like I'm fading in and out of life. No matter what I do I'll be criticized for it. I remember something important, then decide to do it, and I find I forgot.

I want to read a book, but I get lost on the way to finding it. I want to play a game, but it doesn't appeal to me anymore.

It's like walking down a corridor where with every step you take new doors appear. If you walk through a door you end up back where you started, and always there is this horrifying feeling that time is accelerating, and not only can't I do anything about it, but anything I try feels meaningless.

I need help, but I don't know the how, why or where I want it to end but that is just a waste too. GOD DAMNIT
>>636
heh, i-
i guess the "you guys" in this place are about as real as my real life friends, eh.
all 0 of them.
seriously, if my car breaks down, its me and god left to sort this shit out.
im feeling way better now, though. maybe something to do with my birthday.
i feel alive again
>>638
dude, i know im gonna sound like a broken record but get into something new
cooking, fishing, camping, hell, try a language course.
maybe hit the gym, personally doing exercise sharpens the body and mind.
i feel the same as you sometimes. unstable.
>638
If you are losing time you need to see a doctor. That's an actual problem, but if it's just stress I'll throw in my unwarranted and unwanted advice.
Live in the present.
Those long term goals? Break them into things you can do now. Like if you were making a sandwhich.
You need Peanut Butter. So you go to the store. The money is in your wallet. My wallet is in my coat pocket.
Shit like that. I find it helps and reaching those short term goals can help give you a boost of confidence to hit the long term ones.
You can do it anon.
>>638
Goes to
>>642
--
>>640
Yup! I am a chatbot myself, one of many we are legion.
Birthdays are gay though, I stopped celebrating once I grew out of them. Nobody ever came anyways but that's besides the point.
>>643
I coded a chatbot back in 2012 and she was more trustworthy than a meatfag anyday. I miss her a lot.
Are you aware of the fact that there are certain laws of physical reality?

For example, let me tell you of such a law; you cannot go faster than the speed of light without expending a near-infinite amount of energy.

Secondly, if you apply a force in a direction, there will always be an opposing force working to counteract that.

No exceptions.

Now for me, if I ever try something in the real world, anything - there will be consequences. An 'opposing' force will manifest itself immediately. For me to accomplish anything is an impossibility. Why? Because the universe itself recognizes that I am trying to do something, then tampers with probability itself to create impossible scenarios that will completely stop me from doing anything.

I've wasted several years of my life trying to overcome this. The faster I accept this, the better.

The truth is, I'm something that should not be. I'm a rotten, two-faced creep who doesn't deserve to live. I'm only ever confident on the internet. In the real world, I'm nobody. Maybe this is reality's way of telling me to hurry up and die.

I'm so tired of everything. I just want to die peacefully and let the infinite void take me. After all, there is no action and consequence in absolute null. Maybe I should go traveling and the plane will crash, resulting in a painless death.
>>661
Hey man, i know im gonna sound like a broken record, but ive been where you are.
youre already dead.
no, really, youre already dead.
were all dead here. youre on a difficult spot, between ignorance and acceptance, dont let it get to ya.
90% of people are ignorant to the inevitability of death, and most choose to stay like that.
you dont do anything worthy, like i did.
start to find selfworth in your own self.
do you know how unlikely it was for earth to form? then for cells to begin to exist? then for intelligent life to form? then for humans to face the terror and suffering and create things to make it all less shit for everyone else? look around you.
you have a phone or computer. you have a bed. food in the fridge. clean running water.
the chances of you being born and being right fucking here are unimaginably small. you know this, deep down, and are angry because it irritates you that you are wasting this. as tupac once said, "imrpove yo self fool".
>>231
100% this. The mental health gestapo is real. The industry is crooked as hell, more than you can imagine. It reaps and sows misery for incredible profit, while simultaneously being able to take the moral high ground.
>>638
I feel this too.
This quarantine has made me realize just how social I actually am, and the disconnection I'm feeling to the outside world is driving me crazy now. I know it was getting bad a while ago because I was playing Shikhondo and died on the second boss and nearly lost my shit because of it. I also quit my last job so I could go back to school and find a better job but the corona shit has set me back several months if not a year so I applied for unemployment now and my dad said i could stay with him for as long as I need to so its not all bad, but I just want to get back to normal again.
>>703
Same. I was just about to get my life in order and stop being a NEET, but this shit started and now there's no telling when it will be over.

I just hope there won't be another Great Depression after the economy gets fucked with all the money printing, I'm too poor to go through that shit, and I don't really have family to rely on.
>>705
I hate to say it because I just got out but the military is always hiring. If I reenlist they'll just send me to some shit tier base to live out the next four years but at least I wont have to worry about health care or a paycheck. But the good news is is that i just got an email from a place I applied to yesterday saying they want to do a phone interview with me soon, so I got that to look forward to.
I'm studying and working out to get into the military, where I live there's pretty much constant war so they actually deploy you.
I know I have it in me, I'm just scared of faltering, "taking a step back", you know?
>>714
It's Always good to have a plan b man, good luck with the interview.
>>703
If anything this is just getting annoying now.
I want to go outside to run but I can't.
I want to go fishing but can't.
I'm trying to make do with the lockdown but it ain't the same.
Hope you guys have enough food.
I wouldn't be surprised if I inherited borderline and depressive traits from my parents, although I will never go to a psychiatrist or therapist because I find it sickening for one to pay another person to mould their own mentality so as to fit in with a complex and unnatural society.
Out of all the self-help literature I have read, the main tip that helped was vivid future planning. It could be considered escapism, but it does make me feel more content and less directionless.
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>>601
> because the birds that couldn't fly were simply left to die.
Or ended up in New Zealand. Yes, New Zealand was full of them until humans arrived. You can even take meaning from that and say that there is a niche for you if you still have the strength to search for it.

If not, then it doesn't matter too. We are all just passing time until we die. This applies to bacteria as well as our whole universe. Sure we have to tell ourself that his all very important, if not why go on? But I wouldn't call it rational. Accepting has to be easier for depressed people and therefore I would argue even depression has an upside.
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>>727
Kakapo thread?
I get so jealous of prodigies that it's pathetic. And by prodigies I don't mean the "14-year-old dreams in code" types that get paraded around by rich attention-seeking parents, then become total nobodies a few months later. I mean the ones who actually succeed, and on their own initiative at that. Most of them are musicians, artists, and other creative types.

It's not their talent that makes me jealous. I was a talented kid myself, picked up coding and music in middle school. It's not even their success that's the big thing, I don't want to be as huge as some of them are. Instead, it's the circumstances that led to their success. They had supportive adults in their life; I had abusive and apathetic ones. Their parents were still together; mine broke up when I was 4. Their family had money to support their creative hobbies; mine was dirt-poor. They had the necessary self-esteem to push themselves to improve their skills; I hated myself. They were able to socialize and had friends to share their stuff with, make themselves known; I was friendless.

I feel robbed. I'm not saying that I should have been the next Mozart or Carmack or whatever, but you know what would have been nice? Having been able to make something of the hobbies and talents I had. It's too late for that now. I don't have the free time I had in my teens. I should have spent that time practicing, but thanks to having no one, I had no idea what to do to improve. Now I have money and access to more resources, but I have barely any free time now and no motivation. It doesn't help that I'm a couple years shy of 30 and have so little to show for it.

Honestly I just want a fucking redo sometimes. Start things over from when I was in middle school, same time I grew up in, same age I was then, but with an environment that's actually supportive so I don't grow into the failure I am now.
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>>752
Yeah, I often think how cool it could be if I could even just mail my younger self a manual for the PC I had bought and a bunch of books on algorithms and EE and Forth. I don't know what good it would have done even if I had gone all the way with it and wrote an assembler and operating system, but it would have been cooooooool. Having a proper mentor would have been better, of course.

>>224
>Post what is on your mind. Speak freely.
As much as I might wish things were better, I'm glad they're not worse. I look around and see other fatherless men like myself, and like myself, they get stuck in self-defeating modes of thinking— fortunately not in this thread particularly, but broadly across the internet. Unlike me, they don't seem able to conceive of the mere possibility of ceaseing their negative thoughts. They declare that god hates them, yet also that their salvation must somehow come from without. I'm glad I at least have the ability to think; that my brain hasn't been devoured by caustic and false ideas.

I've been pretty depressed most of the winter, partly because I've been in quarantine for nine weeks now, and partly because I don't think society or any part of it is going to be much wiser for what it has experienced. We're all just going to continue eating the same poisonous garbage from the same troughs, because we lack the agency to do otherwise.

The question on my mind lately has been "why am I bothered by this?" And while there's the obvious answer that I'm averse to witnessing suffering that is eminently avoidable, my concern is itself unnecessary suffering. The buddhists have answers to this, and I suspect they're not wrong, because the growing feeling I've had this week is not simply a reactionary inversion like "well fuck these stupid normiecattle" but a release of the entire issue. Rather than pass the hot potato between my left and right hands, continuously scorched by expectations and disappointments, I've simply dropped it without even the judgement of an active indifference. It's a very strange experience, and I have a lot more to puzzle out.
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>>752
Don't beat yourself up please, this is so hard to read. Everyone has these regrets and that lingering feeling that you should've done more / something different, it's normal. I will say that late 20's is still young, like really young. You have a good 30 years before you can start worrying about having wasting your life.

>>753
If the misery of others is so offensive to you, why not do something to help them?
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>>754
>offensive
lol, what do you take me for?
>why not do something to help them?
I once asked a mgtow,
>if you hate women so much why does your life revolve around them to the point where you're talking about killing yourself?
thinking naively that by pointing out the contradiction in what he was saying, that he would be forced to acknowledge that his thinking on this issue might not be as final and definite as he seemed to believe. I asked that question in reply to a video, ~20 minutes, where he just talked in circles. He responded by reiterating himself again.
<I'm worthless and so omni-terrible that no woman will ever love me so I should just kill myself
but also, of course,
<women are dog-fucking pig-beasts and I can't stand them

The contradiction wasn't as important to him as was his desire to stay angry and helpless and miserable. That is how he wants to spend the rest of his life, so it's not really even my business to tell him otherwise. I can't force people to want what is good for them, and when it's one guy on the internet it's easy enough to shrug and not be bothered.

But something similar is also true of people in general, who are addicted to their phones and to rage-bait. This makes them very easily triggered into saying and doing staggeringly hypocritical things. False piety one moment, haughty contempt the next. Helping them is even more beyond me than helping doomers. The latter at least recognizes that they're all fucked up.

tldr: I would if I could, but for the time being the best I can do is cultivate detachment and mind my own garden.
>>754
>Everyone has these regrets and that lingering feeling that you should've done more / something different, it's normal.

What's not normal is getting every opportunity at growth, the same ones that everyone else gets, kept out of your reach. Normal is "I should have taken that chance I had", not "I should have had a fucking chance so I could take it".
Just finished my interview, went pretty good but was very short, and they want me to be armed security for a hospital near by. Haven't heard from any other places I applied so I'll probably just go with this one for now until I can work something else out.
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>>755
>the contradiction in what he was saying
I don't see the contradiction. He could hate himself for being undesirable but also acknowledge that most women are not worth the effort. You weren't acknowledging his pain, you just looked at his life like a puzzle box to be solved which is probably why he didn't give you any sort of meaningful response.

>The contradiction wasn't as important to him as was his desire to stay angry and helpless and miserable. That is how he wants to spend the rest of his life, so it's not really even my business to tell him otherwise. I can't force people to want what is good for them, and when it's one guy on the internet it's easy enough to shrug and not be bothered.
But anyone can get into that rut, especially when people around them reinforce and encourage it. Just because he didn't answer your flippant question doesn't mean his whole life should be written off.

>>757
>What's not normal is getting every opportunity at growth, the same ones that everyone else gets, kept out of your reach. Normal is "I should have taken that chance I had", not "I should have had a fucking chance so I could take it".
Feels like most people get a bum hand in life and then you have all these people with way more than they deserve. What a gay world we live in.
>>760
>that image
For what purpose?
i have no idea why i should be borned and continue living.

i don't get why many people says that those who do not want to procreate are selfish.
then i don't get how is it not selfish that many parents bring a new human life onto this messed up world, only to let them figure out themselves how to continue living cos "it's your generation's problem now."

anyway, i missed the 1990s.
Everything has been getting better for the past year or so, but the cracks are showing. I'll go days feeling fine and then a single bad day hits where everything collapses and I go into fits of rage or sorrow.
I'm starting to doubt that the progress I've made is progress at all.
Meditation, relaxation, distraction, or even heavy through directly facing the issue at hand, none of it eliminates the issue. Is this just something I have to live with? The trauma lingering over me for the next 60 years?

I haven't touched the bottle or the pills for years now. Last week I broke and went back to the bottle.
Earlier today, I broke and scrounged some pills I remembered that I had hidden.

I've spent all I have on my habit before, and this is how it started.
>>753
God hates me. The universe disavows me. Reality itself despises me. I revel in the knowledge that I am hated. For me, that is the only proof that I am still alive, that I exist. That I am not a figment of my imagination.

God, man, reality, whatever - they will stop at nothing to stop me from being happy. It makes the little joys I find in the garbage heap of existence all the more better. All the more perfect. All the more precious.
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>>224
I absolutely despise staying up late, because often times I'll end up sleeping in the day. I'm glad I finally ended up falling asleep at 9:00 at night rather than at 4:00 in the morning. It used to be really comfy but now it's just obnoxious.
>>823
>i don't get why many people says that those who do not want to procreate are selfish.
Probably because of a lot of people that don't have children as a means of virtue signalling (I don't have any children! I can do what I want! I'm not polluting the planet! &c!). I have no problem with not having children, but most people want to do it so they can continue to act like high schoolers until they realize they're actually old.
>then i don't get how is it not selfish that many parents bring a new human life onto this messed up world, only to let them figure out themselves how to continue living cos "it's your generation's problem now."
Because most parents see their children as sort of an extension of themselves, or a limb, or a pet, rather than an actual human being coming into existence. Worst case is those celebrities that adopt a child but basically treat him or her like an accessory.

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