I hate using this board to vent about my frustrations as I want this place to be comfy, and there's already a similar thread here, but that's already a few months old, so I wanted to make a new one. Lately I've been thinking of offing myself again. It's been a long time since I thought about it so persistently. I have a few ideas as to how I'd want to go, but the thing that makes me want to kill myself is the futility of everything. Simply put, what even is the point of living in a world where evil triumphs? Where it has already won, and has been winning for so, so many years. Doing whatever it wants. Psychopaths run everything and do what they can to remain in absolute power and control. They don't want to rule. They just want power. I wish I was more whitepilled right now, but the past year and what's going on in my country for the past couple of months has shown me that evil really has triumphed. It's so fucking sad. All the tales and stories of heroism, both in fiction and true stories, seem to suddenly hold no weight to that realization. There probably never were heroes in the first place. Or maybe we should've continued to worship Greek heroes who were more of an embodiment of virtue than 'saviors', but even then, a world where evil triumphs is a world where there is no virtue or morality. Nothing really matters. Not even all the power that they seem to desperately want to consolidate seems to matter. A part of me wants to believe that eventually we'll cross beyond the nihilism and start living in some kind of bizarro wild west where everything becomes so utterly oppressive that it's more beneficial to live underground/outside the 'system' than actually trying to get something out of it. There has to be something beyond all of this, right? It won't be the end of history. I don't want to see more friends and people I love living undignified lives under depression. I don't want to live being afraid that I'll never be able to take care of myself or find a place to live, or make money, or do something besides work. I'm lucky I finished college and work a freelance profession where the only thing holding me back from having more income is myself, but I don't care much about my job and sometimes even hate it. It doesn't help that some of what I do actively benefits the exact same psychopaths I detest so much. Maybe it's just because my mindset is influenced too much by the present and I'm not being forward thinking enough. I thought about making plans to try and move to the countryside someday, but will I even manage to find a home for myself? Will I even manage to find any place in this world for myself at all, both physically and metaphysically? I just can't see the point of it all. It's like whatever ounce of hope and faith I have is crushed every day, mercilessly. I can only withstand the pain of living through distractions, even if I do genuinely enjoy them. And drinking. I just don't see a way out. It really is as if evil as triumphed and heroism and virtue are nothing more than well-constructed lies to appease us. What even is the point? Why even live? I tried so hard to have faith in things. Believing that maybe I could at least try and enjoy the smaller things in the world. But the weight of everything is so crushing. Thinking that the world we live in is utterly fucked and that it will affect my future destroys whatever positive prospects I might have. I can't even immerse myself in anything anymore because I know that's what awaits me. More pain, more anxieties, more depression, desperation, never knowing when things will be alright. And to think there's people out there who actively benefit of most of humanity being in such a state. What is the point of it all? Why even live?