/late/ - Late Nights

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Anonymous 05/03/2021 (Mon) 07:27:15 No. 3892
i think im gonna try improving myself for the long term rather than try to appeal to people in the current moment
Such as? You could probably get a nice discussion going if you tell us what you're doing, and others may share their ideas with you.
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>>3925 >such as? it feels like the environment around me has grown stagnant and is beginning to take a toll on my mind. it feels like a forced ennui that i can't seem to escape. the classes i take right now claim to be advanced and superior in what is taught. the content of the course often turns out to be some project that the professors hurriedly threw together or was already configured by some third party education company that saw an opportunity to profit. much of what i have done in class is tedious or tiresome and no longer motivates me to finish what projects i have left. i am going to fail four out of six classes this semester, but i will still graduate because they are extraneous credits that i thought would be informative to take. i make this mistake almost every year in the hope that i will look better to someone in the future. this year it turned out to be making a bunch of remedial apps in code.org. the code is extremely simple in what my teacher claims to be java. everybody in the class uses drag-n-drop code to create everything even though typing is faster, making their projects look like a failed tetris game. im not a lain prodigy, i believe the standards are so low that anything incrementally better makes me look advanced. trying to appeal to people around me has made me grow restless and unable to sleep. even with a decent amount of physical activity from work my brain refuses to stop engaging. my doctor refuses to increase my dosage of sleeping pills / won't prescribe me a higher quantity because he thinks continuing to build a tolerance will be detrimental to sustain long term. alcohol worked much more effectively than i thought it would until my parents found that most of their kahlua was gone; i could be out in about a half hour compared to a few hours with a good amount of sleeping pills. my parents want to take me to a therapist for depression. i know i am not depressed. i simply haven't had anything stimulating to fuck with my mind in a while. my parents seem think that effort put toward something that isn't able to be professionally certified is useless, so if i want to do something on my own i feel forced to disappoint. disappointment towards myself for not realizing this sooner has been the only thought to exist in my head recently. the hope of having something interesting to do once i pass preliminary topics has ceased to exist. projects on my own in the past seem more hobbyist than i would like them to be; mostly creating counter strike maps that i know no one would play. i never created / modeled my own assets or textures, just always used the ones that already exist out of eagerness to play them. i would like to have my projects envelop my life. they do not need to be fun to do them, they only need to be interesting or something i feel is necessary to complete. i often find an activity being fun slows me down way too much; i enjoy fucking around with something too much that i end up not making much progress at all. the lack of projects like these has made it feel like there is a warm blanket over my mind, but that it has been on me so long that i begin to overheat and resent it. i guess the first thing to start out with would be to host my own proxy so i no longer have to pay for a VPN didnt expect anyone to reply to thread thanks anon
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>>3935 nvm i figured everything out

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